tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17747459241532739332024-03-14T09:54:05.929-05:00Counter-Clock-WiseA bit of a backwards blog about my backwards life.
Updated Mondays and Fridays.Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.comBlogger265125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-7543060363580664742020-10-03T19:52:00.000-05:002020-10-03T19:52:28.829-05:00I thought I'd have good hair<p> <span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I thought by the time I was 30 I’d have more of life figured out. Not all of it by any stretch, but something, anything I didn’t think you could be a grownup and still not know what you wanted to be.</span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-59578d03-7fff-7ad8-27c6-2fc637c19574"><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I thought I’d have better hair.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have curls. I’ve been working on a way to get the curls healthy, shiny, and frizz-free for more than 20 years. But no, nothing. It’s as bad as when they first showed up. Hundreds of hours of research and dozens of different products and techniques tested over the years. Honey, I even learned to cut and color. I know a lot about hair, just not what to do about mine.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And if that ain’t the whole damn thing right there.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I spent a lot of time in education on both sides. Got a graduate degree and then worked in education for - until now when I still am. And after so many years I’ve realized I hate it. I’ve realized I hate myself. So I decided to work on it. Spent two years in therapy with a therapist I loved. We tried and tried to find something else I’d like and be good at. I discovered that what I “like” is helping other people do their jobs better. I like being a mentor. So there it is: I can’t figure out how to help myself but in my quest to figure it out I’ve learned a lot about helping other people. It’s the lost guiding the lost and I can see your exit clearly but the light’s turned off by mine. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I just want to be better. I just want to be able to clean my house and put my laundry away and engage with my daughter and do the fun things that I always plan to do and wash my freaking hair! I met with a psychologist recently to get evaluated for ADHD. Again, lots of research and reading and the armchair assessment of people with the diagnosis led me to believe that’s what’s going on with me. It explains so much about my life. Every time I hear someone else talk about how their ADHD has affected their life, </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">every time</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, it was like a lightbulb moment. That’s me! That’s exactly what I’ve experienced my whole life! But then I finally got a chance to do something about it. The psych had completely forgotten why I made the appointment. She seemed shocked and baffled that I wanted to talk about ADHD and her version of assessing me was to run down the list of DSM V symptoms (terrible diagnostic tool btw). She told me that I had “just barely enough” of the symptoms to say I have ADHD. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Honestly, I knew I shouldn’t but I had pinned a lot of hopes on that appointment. I thought I’d get validation and maybe even help (medication) and I could get back on track to doing something, to finding my path. Instead, she made me feel like I was faking it, like I was just making excuses. Turns out I’m just lazy and stupid and that’s why I can’t get anything done, oops! I’ve been working so hard to keep track of all our daily tasks and trying to still do things to feed my soul and it turns out the only reason I’m failing is because I’m just a failure! And there’s nothing to be done about that. After all, I’ve spent decades trying to figure out my hair with no progress. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I just really thought I’d have good hair by now. </span></p></span>Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-31284877817500104522020-07-04T19:49:00.002-05:002020-10-03T19:50:08.823-05:00Lost GirlI talk a good game, but it's honestly all horse shit.<div><br /></div><div>I'm still in therapy and my therapist recently semi-retired. So I'm seeing someone new. New person and I were talking last week about healthy ways to handle my emotional reactions as I was concerned with telling the difference between when my anger was justified and useful versus when it was not. After about the fourth time I expressed concern that I often overreact, the therapist said "You keep saying overreact but your feelings are real. What made you think you're always overreacting?" </div><div><br /></div><div>But let's back up a little bit more. After several of the people in my life who have ADHD kept half jokingly commenting that it seems like I have it, I investigated. It presents a lot differently in women and I found a support group specific to the ways it can impact motherhood. Literally every single post, every single listed side-effect, symptom, and story I identified with. They described me and my experience perfectly. I had just gotten really, <b>really</b> good at <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masking_(personality)">masking</a>. I also discovered that a really common, arguably defining characteristic of ADHD is something called <a href="https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/">rejection sensitive dysphoria</a>, or RSD. This basically means that people with ADHD can have extreme reactions to real or perceived rejection - which includes criticism. </div><div><br /></div><div>*(I do not have an official diagnosis of ADHD from an MD as the cost and time factors are currently prohibitive. Several people who have extensive first hand and professional experience with ADHD agree with my self-diagnosis so I call that good enough for now. If you are going to shit on me in the comments for this, save us both some time and just tattoo "I'm a classist, ableist tool" on your forehead.)</div><div><br /></div><div>After my therapist asked why I think I'm always overreacting, I thought back to when that started. I was humiliated that tears started to well up. Before long, I was full on sobbing and I didn't fully understand why. Pretty much everyone important in my life has commented at one point or another that I'm overreacting and it happened so much that I cannot recall a time when that wasn't part of my identity: <i>Cyn is too sensitive</i>. And so I started self-editing to an extreme degree. I was texting with a friend recently and made a typo that she didn't even notice. But I spotted it a couple of minutes later, so I sent a correction. I mentioned that I'm constantly editing messages even after I've sent them. She said something like "haha, same." But it's not. Because I mean constantly. I will read messages from weeks ago and think about how I could have written them better. I'm constantly rereading and touching up blog posts here from years back. And I do the same thing in my head. Impulsiveness is one of the symptoms of ADHD I "don't" have because I am monitoring myself almost literally every second. I don't blurt things out, I don't get into arguments, I don't communicate honestly. I spend a ridiculous amount of time mentally reviewing so that I communicate <i>clearly</i> and I still can't get it right. I can spend hours drafting a single message about and emotionally fraught situation only to never send it. I don't tell people if I'm upset, I don't react to offensive comments. Because <i>I'm probably just overreacting</i>. Almost everything about the way I interact and communicate with others is carefully curated because I don't want to come across as too sensitive and create a conflict. I'm well known for being able to hear huge news without giving anything away because I have such tight control over my reactions. (ex: A friend messaged me he was going to propose while I was talking to their partner and I did not react. Also found out I was pregnant and gave nothing away in a house full of 5 other people.) It's so extreme that someone can directly insult me and I will talk myself out of responding or ever addressing it because I don't want to cause "drama." And experience has taught me that's what it will be. I don't have any experience with people having my back in those scenarios where I did express myself, so I don't anymore (except sometimes here). This is also why I was humiliated that I started to cry during therapy. Therapy! The one place where you're kind of expected to cry! Because I wasn't in control of my reaction and I didn't want to seem crazy or overly sensitive to something that wasn't a big deal - which is what I generally believe others are thinking. Add to all that my recent discovery of RSD as a function of my ADHD and I've become even more convinced that I cannot trust my own mind. And remember that I have a TBI which caused actual amnesia and a smattering of mental health diagnoses all of which affect perception and memory. </div><div><br /></div><div>Do you have any idea how disorienting that can be? To not feel like you're able to trust anything you think, feel, or remember? It seems like I'm completely disconnected from reality or at least from the one everyone else experiences. I am constantly watching others intensely to see their reactions so I can gauge if I'm reacting and interacting in an acceptable manner. Because otherwise I can't tell. </div><div><br /></div><div>It really sent me spinning because my entire reality and personality are built around how others react to me. I am totally dependent on it. So for the second time in two years, I am experiencing a massive existential crisis because I don't have any idea who I am independent of those factors. What would I like, what would I be interested in, what would I be passionate about if I wasn't constantly looking to others to validate reality for me? Is there anyway to even know? People will say it's unhealthy to compare yourself to others and/or that you can't rely on others to tell you who you are. But I honestly have no other idea how to figure it out. And to some degree, you have to look to others. Right? There are some times, arguably even a lot of them, when for better or worse other people's opinions do matter. We are social creatures and we depend on that structure to survive. If we don't fit, we don't survive, so we make ourselves fit in order to survive. </div><div><br /></div><div>The short version is that I've been talking to experts for 2 years now and I still hate myself, I'm still unhappy, I still don't trust myself or anyone around me, and I still have no idea who I even am. How can I hate myself when I don't have an identity? I'm really good at being the worst, I guess. </div><div><br /></div><div>And I have no idea where to go from here. How do you build a person from scratch when they are already in their 30s? How do I turn of the constant filter to figure out what appeals to me and not just what seems to fit best with the people around me at any given moment? Seriously, where do I go from here?</div>Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-64871548640877532682018-07-17T21:12:00.002-05:002018-07-17T21:12:38.026-05:00Epidermal HealingI promised this a while ago and as usual, life (depression) got in the way. I was feeling a LOT better for a while and was busy living my best life while on that high. Then a series of seemingly small if troubling events and a certain book I've been reading sent me into a minor existential crisis so that I alternatively didn't feel up to posting. It's a bizarre story for another time. I'm trying not to wallow.<br />
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So let's talk about some skin care! I have previously mentioned my quest - a word I'm using frequently lately - to take better care of my skin. I've been complimented regularly on my skin most of my life for how soft and smooth it is naturally. Not trying to brag, just setting expectations: I started with pretty good conditions and I don't want other people to expect that my routine will grant the same results to others who are starting in a different place. My basic idea was that I was too lazy/untalented to figure out a decent makeup routine that I'd be willing and able to use regularly, so I best take decent care of my canvas. I'm not the woman who's going to get up an extra 30 minutes or more to "put on my face" but a series of goops I can slap on in under 5? I'm game. Plus as I'm getting older, if I expect my body in general and skin specifically to hold up I'd better start taking care of it.<br />
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Before we dive into the specifics of what I use and how, I do want to take a moment to talk about the so-called natural beauty movement. There seems to be the air of competition around natural beauty versus makeup beauty. The idea being that natural beauty is somehow more desirable or even according to some, more moral. Let's not kid ourselves. Achieving flawless skin purely through the use of toners/serums/moisturizers/etc. is NOT accessible to many people and is also NOT any less vain than putting on a full face of makeup. That is to say, neither are vanity in-and-of-themselves. People are allowed to do whatever they want to feel confident and self-possessed, whether that means makeup, "natural" beauty, or something else. Specifically, let's acknowledge right now that "natural" beauty is far from natural. Steam facials, expensive serums, eyebrow microblading, and more are not things that occur naturally. Nor are they inexpensive or widely available to all people. If that is how you choose to achieve your look and spend your money, that's your business. But don't pretend you have moral superiority to people who choose makeup which is often more accessible <b>and</b> more successful for a lot of people - such as those who have scarring or a variety of skin conditions that can't be remedied with double cleansing. It's also worth pointing out that about 5 months into my skin care journey, I <b>did </b>become interested in makeup and have started using both. And I love it. So move along if you want to preach the gospel of moisturizer over foundation. One isn't better than the other and they aren't mutually exclusive. <br />
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I started in January of this year, using various gift giving events around that time to accumulate some of my supplies. I subscribe to the Korean skin care regimen, which is a set of steps and not products. To be precise, 10 steps, though you don't use all 10 every time or even every day.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gifts!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGYB55ffYRP_piUWOIdbbNx0lVzyc7f7pKKxW5Su6ZPQ3TwhFlUifFp3DKkJJ60WsNFN_y0BBLYRHNBnMjCs9wWrBIG38mNgnNqkNS6mph2YYr5z5tzqj6JpDdyC-_hycNGzz4a9PMsl8/s1600/20180210_114355.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGYB55ffYRP_piUWOIdbbNx0lVzyc7f7pKKxW5Su6ZPQ3TwhFlUifFp3DKkJJ60WsNFN_y0BBLYRHNBnMjCs9wWrBIG38mNgnNqkNS6mph2YYr5z5tzqj6JpDdyC-_hycNGzz4a9PMsl8/s400/20180210_114355.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">More gifts!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW7OYkeJPtfglJL8UouAdsSJDtqF3cs9C0OonDSx5bjKfwZQ8xk_JX5OItT8CCtZBAE-fnmwh6QmjtqJa7UWTt7gcqqWzDvPwH22RsyOBmkYM6mA5AwkDdWOK8im6P6DHJgWYYWKUAqBY/s1600/20180210_114400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW7OYkeJPtfglJL8UouAdsSJDtqF3cs9C0OonDSx5bjKfwZQ8xk_JX5OItT8CCtZBAE-fnmwh6QmjtqJa7UWTt7gcqqWzDvPwH22RsyOBmkYM6mA5AwkDdWOK8im6P6DHJgWYYWKUAqBY/s400/20180210_114400.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Got a kitty headband, some masks, acne patches</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-fmhK7DqObABAlsUGVcoZ2gTcba9PEEb6N3zA25NmjGiDdeZl6U6pjoJ_9GYYIFygVLFzZ7fE2f9A-dzy2VK0J5TCCjBpZwA07YELrffLvhag4DqJSZ9RDoO4d8PTk4Ctl9R83Vt-5mk/s1600/20180210_114405.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-fmhK7DqObABAlsUGVcoZ2gTcba9PEEb6N3zA25NmjGiDdeZl6U6pjoJ_9GYYIFygVLFzZ7fE2f9A-dzy2VK0J5TCCjBpZwA07YELrffLvhag4DqJSZ9RDoO4d8PTk4Ctl9R83Vt-5mk/s400/20180210_114405.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Moisturizers, cleansers, eye treatment.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH_fslnh9psFriL-oZO0JSTwtRVUhTwop4hGZJDCbPZ06z5CkpK23eRBoxdlJnx33a9WExS4sN66O-MFxwAizkM85BhPQIs_xJOKf05Vn10Ioh98vd1AmX0_Lgq4LOdQbuOiG8cuQgVWU/s1600/20180210_114412.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH_fslnh9psFriL-oZO0JSTwtRVUhTwop4hGZJDCbPZ06z5CkpK23eRBoxdlJnx33a9WExS4sN66O-MFxwAizkM85BhPQIs_xJOKf05Vn10Ioh98vd1AmX0_Lgq4LOdQbuOiG8cuQgVWU/s400/20180210_114412.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The only makeup I bought early on was the under eye concealer from Maybelline.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixIVIIt6LObk7YyARsXvsOTEtIKWj7SDqwyEajYFOl5v7pTC1kD7WyLfyoTP1KiKyBqHD6gN3FeIKo6rph1VzLnAwliPV0LJcde5QRROypI-zadlW-_IGGypURoqcRVrAwcj10EMpJL3c/s1600/20180210_114415.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixIVIIt6LObk7YyARsXvsOTEtIKWj7SDqwyEajYFOl5v7pTC1kD7WyLfyoTP1KiKyBqHD6gN3FeIKo6rph1VzLnAwliPV0LJcde5QRROypI-zadlW-_IGGypURoqcRVrAwcj10EMpJL3c/s400/20180210_114415.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Those hairbands are specifically for curly hair.<br />My hair is still too short for me to know if I like them.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCLCxjY26ApCpl1obXTO2UKiF3d_QCuPtulbsO4F-k4K32I2Wq1YXGf4tgZyrDkJ36CXY7X4iOdIhBKdgcUiw1uU5wsq4Jfu8ZHSOkEwJzdT6iAZQ7qWztzG_k3B7Ze0dVZNp9b7IdSQk/s1600/20180618_143455.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCLCxjY26ApCpl1obXTO2UKiF3d_QCuPtulbsO4F-k4K32I2Wq1YXGf4tgZyrDkJ36CXY7X4iOdIhBKdgcUiw1uU5wsq4Jfu8ZHSOkEwJzdT6iAZQ7qWztzG_k3B7Ze0dVZNp9b7IdSQk/s400/20180618_143455.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My stash! I keep it in two separate bathrooms because one sink doesn't work right now.<br />This house, people, it's a problem.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9Yzr07GgMITnIXC5CR-kDyNjsZkYukQTwOUOGII088UMZkf-O_HwnDWk9fVilmxzK49foFtcjXFOs3UfWKv-cSCugBp_rASnyDYE_jFyXD-ifknojPR_IEwcDrox7MPCck2sGNVCPjqg/s1600/20180618_143526.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9Yzr07GgMITnIXC5CR-kDyNjsZkYukQTwOUOGII088UMZkf-O_HwnDWk9fVilmxzK49foFtcjXFOs3UfWKv-cSCugBp_rASnyDYE_jFyXD-ifknojPR_IEwcDrox7MPCck2sGNVCPjqg/s400/20180618_143526.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The washables in the bathroom with a working sink. Wooo!</td></tr>
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<b><u>1. Oil-based cleanser. </u></b><br />
I use my oil-based cleansers typically at night only, but this really depends on the person. Their purpose is to remove the dirt of the day. Sweat, makeup, and your morning goops! I don't use my oil-cleanser every day as I can be prone to acne, but usually only on days when I wore makeup or did a lot of sweating. If you have acne prone skin, there are oil-based cleansers and alternatives (such as micellar water) so you don't exacerbate the issue.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdXQgzgiEQvn5EfjQkG12ujr2H8RjKPcylc_YGhiYQZeotSq20q07tPQiSTmD8rkkEIrk5h6T04dqTHKARFrWegvUDqYUyKZ5C-iOO_7X6YuKwZG17g9iWx-b40zlt1Rpu5xcE5wdg7t4/s1600/20180618_143737.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdXQgzgiEQvn5EfjQkG12ujr2H8RjKPcylc_YGhiYQZeotSq20q07tPQiSTmD8rkkEIrk5h6T04dqTHKARFrWegvUDqYUyKZ5C-iOO_7X6YuKwZG17g9iWx-b40zlt1Rpu5xcE5wdg7t4/s400/20180618_143737.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Face Shop Natural Rice Water Light Cleansing Oil</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This in particular requires a cotton pad to assist with makeup removal or similar. I recently switched to a Konjac sponge so I wouldn't be throwing so much away. Technically it can be used with just fingers but I don't find that terribly effective for makeup removal specifically. If you're just looking to wash of the day, fingers work fine. <div>
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<b><u>2. Water-based/foaming cleanser</u></b></div>
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This removes the oil cleanser! It sounds a little silly, but that is part of it's purpose. It also helps to remove the last vestiges of makeup, sweat, and your other skin care products. They have to be washed off and reapplied so your skin has a chance to breathe. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTHwrlQkjsce68wQXRmyAygu2nGe5NMwjEOMR8K3JfXxM-gSabHwrjMPKZvCXX8rnxixrD5CmuuPnlWJ8W-pffngjsDaqg86Sg7h08vKSkB3RC7NK4sZqRgBbGSpmVikMEkUCsg8JFEWM/s1600/20180618_143728.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTHwrlQkjsce68wQXRmyAygu2nGe5NMwjEOMR8K3JfXxM-gSabHwrjMPKZvCXX8rnxixrD5CmuuPnlWJ8W-pffngjsDaqg86Sg7h08vKSkB3RC7NK4sZqRgBbGSpmVikMEkUCsg8JFEWM/s400/20180618_143728.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hada Labo Gentle Hydrating Cleanser</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I used a brush for this one and use it both morning and night. It's also made with hyaloronic acid to assist your skin with retaining moisture. This stuff seriously feels amazing! There's a reason it's the top seller in Japan. You may not use an oil cleanser depending on your skin and needs, but I highly recommend one like this for everyone. I do <i>sometimes</i> skip mornings if I don't have much going on that I need to wash off. <div>
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<b><u>3. Exfoliate</u></b></div>
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This is a step that's very different from the way we have typically exfoliated in the western world. Asian beauty and increasingly western beauty call for chemical exfoliation rather than physical exfoliants (which often cause micro tears in the skin that can actually <i>accelerate</i> the aging process over time). AHAs and BHAs are the most common types and are BONUS! a good treatment for acne. BHA is good for more sensitive skin, AHA for more serious acne.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikQ9028GC3_xc1divIFtQgOjrY4p3esz2CNdnaSWoxsD9hKXI2jsBdLVPtq7lTFTz455CeWAlHLYCvEyzT8De3HUxqwsnGknqrgt8p4-1TlzQIwHUkdHgS1fXHcNAhvQFIP6tSsApFRWw/s1600/20180618_143823.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikQ9028GC3_xc1divIFtQgOjrY4p3esz2CNdnaSWoxsD9hKXI2jsBdLVPtq7lTFTz455CeWAlHLYCvEyzT8De3HUxqwsnGknqrgt8p4-1TlzQIwHUkdHgS1fXHcNAhvQFIP6tSsApFRWw/s400/20180618_143823.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cosrx Natural BHA Skin Returning A-Sol</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I use this once a day ever second or third day with a cotton swap as you see. I focus on my T-zone and then lightly sweep over the rest of my face. Then I let it sit for about 5 minutes while I brush my teeth, lotion my body, or start dressing. My skin starts to feel a bit tight by the time I'm ready for the next step. <div>
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<b><u>4. Toner</u></b></div>
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This step is intended to balance your skin's pH and ready it to accept moisturizer. Often Asian toners are called hydrating lotions as something to keep in mind when shopping. This is a super important step. <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrACUzK3Jl2_YCE_tecoCZndWJUQUDi3b-l-YkzJJwqEuYtsgObyIIwDyiIDpIBfNxbQOX0QfrzPqWTw5E7Q_m5CttOZCaTrL-rwSpG50FD3azR0QtFsNYPBjtGE3YnvqTQDSDVIG73og/s1600/20180618_143834.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrACUzK3Jl2_YCE_tecoCZndWJUQUDi3b-l-YkzJJwqEuYtsgObyIIwDyiIDpIBfNxbQOX0QfrzPqWTw5E7Q_m5CttOZCaTrL-rwSpG50FD3azR0QtFsNYPBjtGE3YnvqTQDSDVIG73og/s400/20180618_143834.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hada Labo Gokujyun Hyaloronic Lotion Moist</td></tr>
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This is my all time favorite of my new products. It looks like water but it feel MIRACULOUS going on. How can something so thin feel so rich on your skin? But it does. Literally magic. </div>
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<b><u>5. Essences</u></b></div>
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Sort of a halfway point between toner and serum, these help with hydration (sort of the ultimate goal of all of this is well hydrated skin since that's virtually synonymous with healthy, pretty skin) and skin repair. I don't technically use any but fermented essences are common. I use an ampoule though, which is similar but more targeted as discussed in the next step. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHFRhhW3GKpqhK01XUTyjSH823FfYnkq6cZR9iQdDo2C-z3C0KW3Vonwa0QMRTQVrQKCYaAYUpU3GOn3sP4Rl0RAOaNyNnC8BgVb0KTl4xPK-oSVB_tv3AoEn9YnYTowlHASEwst_OY90/s1600/20180618_143850.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHFRhhW3GKpqhK01XUTyjSH823FfYnkq6cZR9iQdDo2C-z3C0KW3Vonwa0QMRTQVrQKCYaAYUpU3GOn3sP4Rl0RAOaNyNnC8BgVb0KTl4xPK-oSVB_tv3AoEn9YnYTowlHASEwst_OY90/s400/20180618_143850.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mizon Snail Repair Intensive Ampoule</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Cosrx and Snail Bee also have other excellent option for snail essence. Snail mucin, as the name of this product implies, is good for repair for things like acne scars, redness, and hyperpigmentation. I have also considered adding a fermented essence which is supposed to give you "honey skin," or skin that looks super dewy and glowy. I use my ampoule twice a day every day. The neat thing about essences and treatments is that you can have several of each type and plug them in and out of your routine depending on the issues you want to address on any given day. </div>
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<u style="font-weight: bold;">6. Treaments</u></div>
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These are more targeted products and this category includes ampoules, serums, etc. They often contain single ingredients or near to it in order to address specific concerns. Vitamin C, nianicimide, and snail mucin are common. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSqD6hq1bLGQKeZmTBtZcgK73LiP-B0R7zWZL4bD22PXHNr3_LBbA2yJ-EvfAYoYVmAteKyO4eVIPpkw4TxlTF2TOhSBrCk90M_uscbekaAyvuOX_NUFvDLveJxKL7HAs8zWnl6gDrN5Y/s1600/20180618_143857.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSqD6hq1bLGQKeZmTBtZcgK73LiP-B0R7zWZL4bD22PXHNr3_LBbA2yJ-EvfAYoYVmAteKyO4eVIPpkw4TxlTF2TOhSBrCk90M_uscbekaAyvuOX_NUFvDLveJxKL7HAs8zWnl6gDrN5Y/s400/20180618_143857.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cosrx Acne Pimple Master Patch </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This is what I consider my treatment step (though as discussed above technically my ampoule would also fall in this category). I actually put it on before my toner if I'm using one so there isn't product interfering with it's effectiveness. These things are magic, translucent, and easy to use. I usually stick them on at night and sleep in them. They suck out all the pimple goop and turn white once they are ready to peel off. You could use them during the day as well if you spend more time on your morning routine than I do or you aren't headed anywhere soon. They genuinely shorten the life of zits and also reduce PIH and PIE. Treatments are generally used as needed, which might be daily for some people if you have certain types of skin issues. <div>
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<br /><b><u>7. Sheet masks</u></b></div>
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These are pretty widely known so I don't know that they require much explanation. I also use gel or mud masks sometimes instead of sheet masks. The effects of a sheet mask are short-lived. They are more for a specific occasion (might use a mask on your wedding day for example, or the day before) to achieve a specific effect. Like exfoliation, these are not an daily step but more like once or twice a week. Mud or clay mask are supposed to have more long term effects if used regularly, but honestly I consider this step a just-for-fun kind of thing to pamper myself. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCk3hp-sG9xRsQe_gqoQkhdr1XVez8Ih4bLfQ3HI98DjSAcQW0ZDTcdvwVmdvkl-9xT0Hc3lyVU3Lu-47irwBsoAoOQeoxcYQeOAKKUWiSR9Tid8Zple6rDPV1IVukyCtvuvAgW0yf7Y8/s1600/20180618_143551.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCk3hp-sG9xRsQe_gqoQkhdr1XVez8Ih4bLfQ3HI98DjSAcQW0ZDTcdvwVmdvkl-9xT0Hc3lyVU3Lu-47irwBsoAoOQeoxcYQeOAKKUWiSR9Tid8Zple6rDPV1IVukyCtvuvAgW0yf7Y8/s400/20180618_143551.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Korean sheet masks</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpyyWey4Dlzdv2wOdU2URx_OkkoTJer7Izf1Gai8mAMT1exkEwklTWZmYTTYiu5Yo43MJtIn0SkoMroiaQbQPZVw3MIa6Pn3Q1fyd161nR0hj6Flciz_RRYXYpCRlhYyw0UNuaHjuTUVo/s1600/20180618_143755.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpyyWey4Dlzdv2wOdU2URx_OkkoTJer7Izf1Gai8mAMT1exkEwklTWZmYTTYiu5Yo43MJtIn0SkoMroiaQbQPZVw3MIa6Pn3Q1fyd161nR0hj6Flciz_RRYXYpCRlhYyw0UNuaHjuTUVo/s400/20180618_143755.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a Bentonite Clay powder. Mix with water or ACV to make a mask.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
I have seen effects from the use of the above, but again, typically just for a couple of days post. The black mushroom masks gave me a great dewy look, the clay mask just makes my skin feel clear and my pores small, and the cucumber masks are cooling and calming for redness. There are tons of different types. I recommend starting with a variety pack to see which types and effects you like best. I order most of my supplies but sheet masks in particular are widely available. Even JC Penny carries some, and they are an inexpensive (like a couple of bucks) way to treat yourself. </div>
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<b><u>8. Eye cream</u></b></div>
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So... here's the thing about eye creams. Many of them are the same as moisturizers so several people I know skip this step. There are some products out there formulated differently that will have a better effect, depending on what you are trying to achieve. The basic idea behind an eye cream is that the skin around your eye is particularly delicate and therefore the moisturizer you use for it should be also.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj62pTfMJb1IJcPVvxj_VqOfidz9p6M2k92sGUnmt0GGcGRqDa2oxdPLDCakGCO9rPwIVJ1VmUxwGMyWUwCi9gCSxpXjmqYywoExksid5p9TgZcWH8aPUpkvB2cHay57-W2ysZmYy5bmw/s1600/20180618_143910.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj62pTfMJb1IJcPVvxj_VqOfidz9p6M2k92sGUnmt0GGcGRqDa2oxdPLDCakGCO9rPwIVJ1VmUxwGMyWUwCi9gCSxpXjmqYywoExksid5p9TgZcWH8aPUpkvB2cHay57-W2ysZmYy5bmw/s400/20180618_143910.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Garnier Skin Active Clearly Brighter</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLb3oSl1xAXZMcT_UXawwPDEc_kbxuQQNr_nvN96ZBJjS_W5jnwjFgjVrwyDiubK_6n5zwHLV4ILC0hgv9RULEmcoX7eDXVmUDH7igsMWuNXIV6rbJBjbk6S5VmJrY-oVm-owvlBSv74o/s1600/3897854838398393352.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="384" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLb3oSl1xAXZMcT_UXawwPDEc_kbxuQQNr_nvN96ZBJjS_W5jnwjFgjVrwyDiubK_6n5zwHLV4ILC0hgv9RULEmcoX7eDXVmUDH7igsMWuNXIV6rbJBjbk6S5VmJrY-oVm-owvlBSv74o/s400/3897854838398393352.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baebody Eye Gel</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYo_w9bnfJk5dE1P2E01Ze9D4UAWeh_4gh_J9WCrU1WPRQdtciXtxNAA48fAbXp3MfLm9qZotBMsseQZ64oB1-nc73fSxFnQbcwh49viEQ1mH5QFaEqcSYXj-3tUoaOluT25-cih02WQQ/s1600/26822414100102060.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="384" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYo_w9bnfJk5dE1P2E01Ze9D4UAWeh_4gh_J9WCrU1WPRQdtciXtxNAA48fAbXp3MfLm9qZotBMsseQZ64oB1-nc73fSxFnQbcwh49viEQ1mH5QFaEqcSYXj-3tUoaOluT25-cih02WQQ/s400/26822414100102060.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The top, you push and the gel comes out of that spout in the middle.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
I've tried a few different eye products with... limited results. The problems is that my dark circles are genetic (veins are shallowly placed) and allergy induced. Creams and gels can only do so much. The anti-puff roller does feel soothing though. And I've only used the eye for about a week so we'll see. These would be used twice daily.</div>
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<b><u>9. Moisturizer</u></b></div>
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Finally! Another easy, familiar step. This is a cream/lotion/gel formulated specifically for the face to moisturize and seal in the other products. This is a must have for everyone in some form. Used every day, and I use it twice a day. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1DYODL0Y3urGUhs5w1uHFqwzfvSTLv0-OoNq_nTlCZO5OeiPKyQNtXElzI2fpLhDhJ1Oz0SML_4gOk5PeEf4-poc6qXXKuXFmqgAQFRCrBESKuKSUzPjScrjiOSBkB5SYIc2WdZYieJg/s1600/20180618_143937.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1DYODL0Y3urGUhs5w1uHFqwzfvSTLv0-OoNq_nTlCZO5OeiPKyQNtXElzI2fpLhDhJ1Oz0SML_4gOk5PeEf4-poc6qXXKuXFmqgAQFRCrBESKuKSUzPjScrjiOSBkB5SYIc2WdZYieJg/s400/20180618_143937.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">CeraVe Facial Moisturizing Lotion, AM and PM</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm4lE1tUMVLGa3QX6xK0LKm3Tf8x54qFts6iKtGrQScVmnsqpGPI1lw6gi75bPo_5UtheybDvZughFglodkGw2Hif_VWhysF7Hjd_pKDuHDM7m4l43ho47_ZPZYnyb3J6IE-Kry8SOwoM/s1600/20180618_143800.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm4lE1tUMVLGa3QX6xK0LKm3Tf8x54qFts6iKtGrQScVmnsqpGPI1lw6gi75bPo_5UtheybDvZughFglodkGw2Hif_VWhysF7Hjd_pKDuHDM7m4l43ho47_ZPZYnyb3J6IE-Kry8SOwoM/s400/20180618_143800.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">CeraVe Moisturizing Cream</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So obviously, as with a few of the other categories, I didn't go to Asian products for this one. CeraVe is widely and inexpensively available and AWESOME. The AM lotion has some SPF in it leaving a slight white cast - unnoticeable on my pale skin but a consideration if you are darker complected. The PM lotion has the look and feel of more like a gel and I am obsessed. I also use the more all-purpose CeraVe cream as my body lotion (which I save for after my facial routine so I don't get any residue on my face). <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><u>10. Sun protection</u></b></div>
<div>
An often overlooked step, this is probably the most important. It is so important for health (and less importantly beauty) that your skin in protected. I'm not quite so die-hard that you much glop it on for any trip out of doors or reapply throughout the day (unless you work outdoors). Vitamin D is good for you in reasonable doses. But some level of protection is definitely a good idea. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN0yiI6cE3I_L3kusfwMw7r3uBeNpxYRcePI9jkczQApNBkedMe0f1qsaDoa1QnftaotEmiRBeH5CzLpCSpR7FwS0APv3hR8inY76hwqaLJF-TSIcMXdIuGX50i4HALiLeP-5vhIMRXCE/s1600/20180618_143953.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN0yiI6cE3I_L3kusfwMw7r3uBeNpxYRcePI9jkczQApNBkedMe0f1qsaDoa1QnftaotEmiRBeH5CzLpCSpR7FwS0APv3hR8inY76hwqaLJF-TSIcMXdIuGX50i4HALiLeP-5vhIMRXCE/s400/20180618_143953.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Face Shop Eco Natural Sun No Shine Hydrating Sun Cream</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I love this product. It smells amazing and has very little white cast - again, it's nothing against my already pale skin but something to look into more if you are darker. I don't always apply this if I'm not headed out and frankly, I don't use it at all in winter, barring special circumstances. I work indoors and during the short days, I leave for work and come home while it's dark out. But in warmer weather, longer days, and outdoor activities I do put this on. Also, it's obviously only a morning application. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw7YFfg0Z-E16gOVeeRJNJoa8zLcJ0q_LFA-ZgVQ-iF2JWD_albgs4AwgyvYg4vFsUrweINAIYtCshyphenhyphenV7muB28-DMZSOA-kFE022ofx-TOputW2p51hTDvOEmZkx_y8Og6J0vJkf4xk9Q/s1600/4469916293791694503.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="384" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw7YFfg0Z-E16gOVeeRJNJoa8zLcJ0q_LFA-ZgVQ-iF2JWD_albgs4AwgyvYg4vFsUrweINAIYtCshyphenhyphenV7muB28-DMZSOA-kFE022ofx-TOputW2p51hTDvOEmZkx_y8Og6J0vJkf4xk9Q/s400/4469916293791694503.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">First day of product use.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTVTU5pn40RMUBsvx4Ah_w-5mu7vX70IdaS2l_D1kOIhE7UjJV2Qocm1nt-BsxWHUJz2WtpNF04Q5LzOuzF5fb8AZlxWJZTk8pHukUdnvOnChkbaZmQ5IG1a9WldTRfrlReyhlB7DX9_I/s1600/2503154720669153952.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="384" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTVTU5pn40RMUBsvx4Ah_w-5mu7vX70IdaS2l_D1kOIhE7UjJV2Qocm1nt-BsxWHUJz2WtpNF04Q5LzOuzF5fb8AZlxWJZTk8pHukUdnvOnChkbaZmQ5IG1a9WldTRfrlReyhlB7DX9_I/s400/2503154720669153952.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This week! The differences are subtle but I feel a lot better,<br />mentally and literally my skin feels better to the touch.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
So that's it! That's my routine. I built it up over time, starting with a few basics and adding the more specialized products gradually. A good rule is to use a product for four to six weeks before adding another so you have a good idea of how each new thing is affecting your skin. If I can give you a starting point, I'd recommend the following 6 basics to everyone:</div>
<div>
<i>Cleanser, toner, moisturizer, sun protection (yes, even for dark complexions!), drinking lots of water, and brush your teeth! </i></div>
<div>
I know the last one sounds preachy but it's so so important. Studies are constantly showing how strongly oral health is tied to overall medical health. And a pretty smile helps with the whole glowy look ;)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Feel free to ask questions about any of my products. I'm also happy to share what I know if you want to develop your own routine but I am NOT an esthetician or dermatologist so take everything with a grain of salt. Mostly I'll just be pointing you toward more knowledgable people. Farewell for now my lovelies!</div>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-82922619375377495382018-06-16T11:07:00.001-05:002018-06-16T11:31:02.617-05:00Quiet Ferocity<i>CW: I discuss mental health a lot on my blog so approach with caution. Talk of suicidal ideation and non-suicide death.</i><br />
<br />
<br />
This is the first morning in months if not years with a quiet house.<br />
<br />
Of course, there is often a toddler awake by this time. But even when I rise before her I have a tendency to fill my space with noise to distract myself from time with my own thoughts. I used to love self-reflection but it's been overwhelming the past two years. It seems my life is just now settling down from the whirlwind of graduate school even though that was over 4 years ago. There's always been some next step I was racing toward, some new cliffside in the way I had to scale.<br />
<br />
Don't misunderstand, we are still planning our next steps. I think that's a perpetual part of life. But I feel... content. I'm preparing but I'm not rushing because for the moment, I'm at peace in the moment. If you've kept up with my posts of the past, you know that's rare for me so I'm trying to soak up every second. So today, there will be no television shows or podcasts or chatter to pull my focus away from the simple pleasure of having time to write and sip a cup of warm coffee in my PJs.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMx0yKY9ndV4rYNUUxulYvoXC1CIQv7geN12wvW44VhxjeH2YuYhbrXmTi5qt3EsJUvZhIDJ3jRHYwDuw6pjmKgdfoFRLc_Dia6xWJ1e0v6bAh5vDaDMgWyTmlI5yYjd7pHOb0I8I859o/s1600/20180616_105239.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMx0yKY9ndV4rYNUUxulYvoXC1CIQv7geN12wvW44VhxjeH2YuYhbrXmTi5qt3EsJUvZhIDJ3jRHYwDuw6pjmKgdfoFRLc_Dia6xWJ1e0v6bAh5vDaDMgWyTmlI5yYjd7pHOb0I8I859o/s400/20180616_105239.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who could have a bad morning with this sweet mug?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
If this seems like a sharp turn from my last post, that's because it is. It's remarkable how much has changed over the past month, in small ways and large, and all of it has made a dramatic impact on my health and the health of our home. I plan to continue the Self-Care series with updated information detailing the small changes but <i>this</i> lovely, bright summer morning I plan to dig into the large ones with you.<br />
<br />
<b><u>MONEY</u></b><br />
People in my home country love to pretend that hard work is all it takes to be a success, and they generally define success as material and monetary wealth. The first half is demonstrably false, and I used to think the second was as well but these days I'm not so sure. It's not that I believe you are unsuccessful if you aren't rich; it's that our society is structured in such a way that we really can't do much without money and it is <a href="https://gritpost.com/suicide-capitalism-editorial/">literally killing us</a>. The suicide rate has increased dramatically in recent years and a significant portion of that is due to financial instability and struggle. I have a family member who killed themselves for just that reason and it is certainly something that has haunted me. Not to mention all the smaller ways lack of money ripples throughout your life:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Can't afford decent insurance or regular doctors visits, meaning health concerns often go unchecked contributing to worse health and earlier death</li>
<li>Can't afford mental healthcare contributing to declining mental state and increased rate of suicide for that reason at worst and poor physical health due to stress at best</li>
<li>Can't afford decent, safe housing</li>
<li>Can't afford healthier food options</li>
<li>Having to work long hours and/or multiple jobs which contributes to rapid physical decline and poor mental health</li>
</ul>
And the list could go on. For me personally, my husband changed jobs not too long ago and our insurance followed. The new place has, not kidding, PHENOMENAL COVERAGE. I'm sure it helps that the company is based in Europe and not the US. This meant that I could start attending therapy. This meant that when I got really sick a few weeks back, I could do something as basic as actually getting treated for that illness, which in turn meant I didn't have to miss work and therefore pay. This means I don't have to freak out about what we spend on food and household supplies because I'm worried about how we'll afford it if my daughter gets sick; she's well covered.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGUqX2yMwwwj6PwYmUWD1F9bZ9okFk2ogrNxWpG1mmOJAVC1sYDp5Yyi2cB01bq8Q00Ewfln0Q6YVdh7FnypD-IbyO2KfCssa_2BS5IYcaJ6jilTG8suhs-s8Oyi8qapz7dURhLuH07L4/s1600/Meds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGUqX2yMwwwj6PwYmUWD1F9bZ9okFk2ogrNxWpG1mmOJAVC1sYDp5Yyi2cB01bq8Q00Ewfln0Q6YVdh7FnypD-IbyO2KfCssa_2BS5IYcaJ6jilTG8suhs-s8Oyi8qapz7dURhLuH07L4/s400/Meds.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some stuff I've been able to afford that makes me feel better.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In addition to the new fabulous insurance, we're both making more now which helps with those bullet points above. And we can also manage stress in smaller ways. Going out to eat to give ourselves a break sometimes. Having enough to put money into savings so we are prepared for emergencies. Repairing things as they break, or replacing them if they can't be fixed. Paying off debt (we just paid off a card balance). Purchasing some self-care items. Buying big ticket items that are on sale.<br />
<br />
I can promise you that having money (though we still are by no stretch of the imagination rich) has had the single largest impact on my physical and mental health of any change in my life. And it was mostly out of my control that I have it now. I fought for some money I was owed at my job, but in general we just accepted what we were offered. Not everyone has those offers or opportunities, and it breaks my heart to think off all the people who will continue to suffer - often for the rest of their lives - because of something they can do nothing about.<br />
<br />
<b><u>TIME</u></b><br />
I mean, we all knew this was coming, right? I work in the schools and am therefore off work for the summer. I broke it down for Hubs last night. There are 3 basic spheres in my life that pull my focus on any given day:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Work</li>
<li>Home (parenting falls into this category)</li>
<li>Self-care/hobbies</li>
</ol>
Those first two <b>are. not. optional.</b> We need money to live (see above!) and work provides that. We need our daughter and home taken care of because basic life reasons - we've got to eat, clean home means healthier inhabitants, etc, etc. Generally, I don't have time in my day for all three of those spheres. So the obvious one to lose is self-care. While eventually not caring for myself will have some very detrimental effects, moment-to-moment I and my family have more basic needs that must be met. It doesn't help that work often spilled over into home, and I'm working on some strategies to combat that this coming year. I've already mentioned to my therapist that while I feel GREAT right now, I am terrified of the Fall. It is not a sustainable system long-term that I be miserable and borderline self-harming for 10 months of the year and super cheerful and happy the remaining two - but I digress.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglxZkkLFniIzNX3IPnUhBiaUrcsRLfWLokzsvcny3TRikdid-XZoz-R7cavgiTc_H0XcJwLxPp7UNiirWmOHraM3cmHPTcJlQyD1sNlCU8-K4dQPczP8-Xom4-l5zP2R16vF_B1KUakGs/s1600/Switch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglxZkkLFniIzNX3IPnUhBiaUrcsRLfWLokzsvcny3TRikdid-XZoz-R7cavgiTc_H0XcJwLxPp7UNiirWmOHraM3cmHPTcJlQyD1sNlCU8-K4dQPczP8-Xom4-l5zP2R16vF_B1KUakGs/s400/Switch.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A new hobby I finally have time for.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
For the next couple of months, being off of work means I have the time to really focus on the self-care that I've been trying to incorporate all year. And who would have thought, when I actually have the money and time to spend on myself, it works! I feel much better! I'll talk about some of the specific things I'm doing in other posts to follow, but it has just been hugely helpful to have the time in my day to play around with some of this stuff I've been desperate to try. And with the toddler starting daycare a couple of days a week, I have some regular time with no distractions. This too is a result of a lot of privilege on my part. Many people don't have the ability to take this kind of time, either because their job isn't structured that way or because they have to pick up extra work even if it is. I'm trying to nail down some routines so I can keep them up when I go back to work and this all doesn't just fall by the wayside, but I also have to confess that I'm seriously considering a career change - see the next section.<br />
<br />
<b><u>NO WORK</u></b><br />
So, yes, this is different from time. While I appreciate the freedom in my schedule that being off allows (and trust me, I am SO grateful), I also appreciate the freedom from stress. My job has been a source of incredible stress for me. Some of that is on me because there were other things going on that prevented me from focusing and being as productive during work hours as I should have been. But a lot of it is just the nature of the job. And while every job comes with <i>some</i> stress, there are obviously many that come with less. For goodness sake, a huge part of the reason I chose my field was because it is routinely listed as one of the most stable fields financially with good work-life balance. And yet that has not been anywhere close to my experience.<br />
<br />
I'm hesitant to leave for a lot of reasons: I really like a lot of the people I work with, I do like having summers off, supposedly I'll get some loan forgiveness in a few years, I've spent years of my life preparing for this field, and I do genuinely find it interesting. At the same time, I'm afraid it will literally kill me. I have suffered from suicidal ideation for about 15 years now. Over the past year, it got dramatically worse. And almost the exact moment I walked out of the building for the last time on the last day of school those thoughts were truly gone. Now, that's temporary because ideation is a part of my mental illness and probably something I will deal with the rest of my life. But for a while there, it was almost constant. Yet that entire last week I was walking on air because I knew I was nearing the point when I wouldn't have to come back - for two months at least.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNz_xKmRnXuggM9JWmSCvqwE9IbuouTgG9Im13sbc40TwDCxz5lSdWRqa0XVLBOzGoYGPe5v9uCIIzpehH93Kt6mvAdG_sjeT-accY7HxufLOFdh5tFd1K2-QCDgSjdx_kp2gOrurGKt4/s1600/Goals.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNz_xKmRnXuggM9JWmSCvqwE9IbuouTgG9Im13sbc40TwDCxz5lSdWRqa0XVLBOzGoYGPe5v9uCIIzpehH93Kt6mvAdG_sjeT-accY7HxufLOFdh5tFd1K2-QCDgSjdx_kp2gOrurGKt4/s400/Goals.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This fabulous new planner has been so helpful; there's a whole section on goals!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And that feeling-of-freedom euphoria has lasted. I feel lighter, more able to focus on what matters to me. I've set life goals and yearly goals and NONE of them have to do with my job except one that reads: better work-life balance. We'll see how this next year goes and if I'm able to keep up these good habits I've started once 8 hours-plus of my day are taken from me again. I would certainly be happy to stay where I am if I can find that balance. I'm also mentally preparing myself for the decision to move on and investigating other avenues that may make sense for me.<br />
<br />
<b><u>THERAPY</u></b><br />
Listen, I think everyone on Earth could probably benefit from therapy and I'm a huge proponent for it. (This is why we need universal healthcare, people!) The past couple of sessions I discovered things about myself that I probably knew somewhere deep down but had never really realized or acknowledged before:<br />
<ol>
<li>One of my core values is time in nature. I hate being sweaty and gross outside so I had always sort of assumed I didn't like being outside period, but so many of my dreams, visions, goals, etc. have to do with getting into nature. I want to live near the ocean, I compost and recycle, I'm planning a vegetable garden, I love fresh flowers, I love to swim, I love natural light to the point that I feel nauseated with yellow fake lamp light at times. And because of my false assumptions about myself, I haven't been feeding this need. So I'm working on that by going for more walks to and around the park near our house - bonus points for also getting me exercise, entertaining Little, and having tons of Pokestops - and planning some trips to beautiful natural locations. I'm looking for other ways to incorporate more of this into my life so I'm open to suggestions!</li>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfp5tRNKJaOYs3y7Pl0cJ3EjEse0JxrEoY7HVp_q2f71eKtNw7HPcaPr4XlfczcVBQWyIf2-HmFApHnvpJlu9q6wJET4Kk_KUUsL8tGRvX2EevlI3Rq-qIZdpKcHQVAxT1jCBgfn4eAKk/s1600/Park.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfp5tRNKJaOYs3y7Pl0cJ3EjEse0JxrEoY7HVp_q2f71eKtNw7HPcaPr4XlfczcVBQWyIf2-HmFApHnvpJlu9q6wJET4Kk_KUUsL8tGRvX2EevlI3Rq-qIZdpKcHQVAxT1jCBgfn4eAKk/s400/Park.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My walk in the park - bu-dum-tshh.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<li>I don't remember my childhood. This is a weird one. I believe I wrote about The Wreck here a few years back. If you don't recall, the TLDR version is that I and much of my family, both immediate and extended, were in a bad wreck when I was in high school that resulted in serious injuries for many including my own broken collarbone and concussion as well as the death of one of my aunts. I only recently came to realize how odd it was that other people seemed to have such vivid memories of their childhoods when I didn't. I made the connection in therapy that this was <i>probably</i> the result of my brain injury. There are three or four bright spots, moments colored with strong emotion that I recall but that's pretty much it before high school. I <i>know</i> my past, but I don't <i>remember</i> it. I didn't wake up after The Wreck with no idea who I was or who my family was or anything. I knew that, and I've heard enough stories that I could tell you a lot about how I grew up. But I remember almost none of it. No wonder I have struggled with my identity and finding myself - turns out half my life was missing! This information didn't suddenly solve all my problems but it explained a lot about myself to myself, like why I have so much trouble connecting to others. As I said, it doesn't fix the problem, but it's still reassuring to understand more about the cause. For all I know, that brain injury is at the root of my mental illness - though there is also some family history so it's likely not exclusively to blame. </li>
</ol>
The point being that therapy has been hard but fantastically rewarding already. Understanding so much more about who I am and how I came to be this way is... I can't even put it into words. It's opened up my inner world so much and it gives me great information and ideas about how to move forward even though that will be more hard work. I also plan to start taking medication so I will hopefully stay fairly even-keeled with I go back to work.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
****************************************************</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
I've rambled on for a while now, so I'll wrap this up with a few final thoughts. My mantra lately has been, "<b><i>The best revenge is a life well-lived.</i></b>" There have been people and circumstances in my life that have tried to destroy me. And I've hit a point where right now, I refuse to allow them to do so. At my lowest, I chant this to myself, I remember all that I've already survived, and I get pissed. <i>I will not let this bullshit beat me.</i> And I take one more step, one more breath, determined that if I achieve nothing else in life I will be happy because FUCK all the people and things that tried to stop it from happening. I'd love to get to the point that my motivation is less revenge and more genuine self-love, but for now I'll take what I can get if it helps me keep going.<br />
<br />
Finally, I know that everything on this list of "ways I improved my mental health" is stuff that isn't available to everyone. As much as my life has sucked in some ways, I also have an incredible amount of privilege. And it's awful that I can't list out a bunch of self-care, mental health tips that anyone could access. I'm planning a post like that in the future and there are things out there, but the reality of our world is that not everyone gets what they need. Some people even actively try to prevent their fellows from getting what is needed. It's awful and I wish I could fix it. I think an important for step is for us to just acknowledge the truth of it. We can't start taking better care of each other until we admit that <i style="font-weight: bold;">everyone</i> deserves care.<br />
<br />
My lovelies, I hope you all are well. What do you do to take care of yourself? Please find someway to love and care for yourself today, however small. 💙💚💛💜 And happy Pride from your favorite Bi blogger!Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-52592463626868706602018-04-07T23:04:00.002-05:002018-06-16T09:06:52.153-05:00What's The Problem?We burned a letter to my ex in therapy this week. It was sort of a cathartic experience, but I've had similar before so I was interested to see if that feeling of a weight lifted stuck around. I was eager to discuss the experience with friends.<br />
<br />
It's something I've known since the beginning. A big part of why I benefit from therapy is that I feel safe to talk honestly about myself knowing I won't be judged, disliked by my therapist, or have the information used against me. This is a totally novel experience and the visceral feeling of relaxation I get walking into that room is alone worth the experience. My whole body unclenches and that is the only time I've experienced that happening including during sleep or massage.<br />
<br />
Because the truth is that people don't like me and use my weaknesses against me. So I don't trust them. No one I know (or don't) has asked me about my experience in therapy so far and I don't feel comfortable bringing it up myself. I want to debrief about what I've been learning and working through so far and I don't have a resource for that. It's just screaming into the void.<br />
<br />
I check social meeting and see people I know making posts about nonsense like how wrong you are if you like those grocery store cookies and that gets more reaction that my pleas for help. I see people I know posting pleas for help themselves and <b>those</b> posts get more discussion than mine to an exponential degree, from mutual "friends." Supposedly you shouldn't compare, but I don't know how to avoid feeling bitter and resentful when I see the exact same setup play out completely differently just based on who's asking for support. My support system is crushingly small and family is great for tangibles like childcare and bringing over meals, but less gifted for things like a shoulder to cry on or talking through heavy emotions. Mostly I get Bible verses, prayer guides, and/or ignored.<br />
<br />
I just don't feel I belong anywhere. My whole, minuscule friend group has started pulling away as they all now share a hobby that I don't. I have no hobbies anymore. We joined a church that I genuinely love for its liberal, accepting message. But it's been over a year and I haven't connected with anyone there. My worldview is so disparate with my family's that I'm not able to discuss anything of much substance there without disagreement. I just want to feel connected and I'm not sure what to do about it. My life is just the necessary chores to make it to the end of the day before starting over again the next. Cook, eat, work, pee, clean, cook, eat, bed. There is nothing I look forward to, no one I go see, no fun in my life. I enjoy spending time with my daughter (generally, toddlers have their bad moments, as everyone knows) and.... that's pretty much it. I was terrified of my identity being consumed by motherhood, and my worst fears have come to pass. What's so sad and infuriating about it is that it's not because I walked away from my life but because it walked away from me.<br />
<br />
Seriously, what's the problem? What is it about me that is so repugnant? I realize people don't want to hear complaints all the time, but look through my post history and you'll realize that's not me until lately. I make a conscious effort online and in person not to be negative very much both for my personal health and because I know people find it off-putting. Also, as I mentioned, I know people who <b>do</b> complain all the time and our mutual relationships continually rush to their aid while steadfastly ignoring me.<br />
<br />
Why doesn't anybody like me?Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-49680342233070914432018-03-26T11:05:00.001-05:002018-03-26T11:05:15.360-05:00TherapyI had my first therapy nightmare!<br />
<br />
Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Some of the basics I've learned in therapy. PTSD has 3 key diagnostic categories: Intrusion, avoidance, and hyper-vigilance. There are other areas of importance - obviously having suffered a trauma is one - but you have to have significant symptoms in those 3 areas to be properly, officially diagnosed.<br />
<br />
<b>Intrusion:</b> These are the things that throw you back into the trauma in the course of your every day life. Flashbacks, nightmares, physical or emotional reactions to triggers. Some of my triggers that I've uncovered: People who look similar to my abuser, the Big Bang Theory theme song (long story), a certain house, condescension, and phone calls. For real, do NOT call me unless absolutely essential. For damn sure leave a message about why you called if you don't get me because I <i>will</i> have a panic attack.<br />
<br />
<b>Avoidance:</b> Pretty obvious, this means avoiding triggers, distracting yourself from memories or physical reminders such as photos. This is actually a potentially healthy way of coping if you can avoid taking it to extreme levels. Ex: texting over calling can be a hassle at times, but it's still less disruptive than a panic attack, right? A version of this is actually a skill I'm working on with my therapist. The problem comes when I avoid significant things, like important conversations because I'm scared of confrontation or paying certain bills because they are tied to his financial abuse and therefore might trigger me.<br />
<br />
<b>Hyper-vigilance:</b> This feels a lot like a panic attack. All my senses get cranked to 11 when I'm triggered and I look for signs of danger everywhere. My therapist mentioned that if you can learn to exercise conscious control over this symptom, it can actually become a useful tool. But when triggered unexpectedly it overloads my system and I shut down (<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)">dissociation</a>).<br />
<br />
So since my trauma includes assault, I was/am an at-risk person for re-traumatization due to labor and delivery. I feel reasonably confident that childbirth did worsen my symptoms as I had what many would consider a perfect delivery but I still hate thinking about it and avoid doing so. Probably didn't help that I wasn't given time to myself afterward as I requested. That will go differently next time, I promise you (and myself) that much. Plus the hormone dump and changes were bound to exacerbate the crap that I've had hanging around for years now.<br />
<br />
Depression and anxiety are typical parts of PTSD (and PPD for that matter) to the point that they are basically diagnostic criteria on their own. My therapist said that depression is a focus on the past while anxiety is a focus on the future. So the way to address them is to be in present. That makes a lot of sense to me, though we'll see if it helps. In short, there are 3 possible ways to get myself out of a bad spot when I find myself in one:<br />
<br />
1. Safe space: a visualization technique where I craft and practice existing in a space that brings me peace and comfort. I'm not sure I'm comfortable sharing the specifics of my safe space yet, largely because I am alone in it. That could be because I genuinely desire and seek solitude or because I have trouble connecting to others and taking comfort from them. While I, like anyone, certainly do crave time to myself, I believe I fall into the second category. I don't trust people enough to open up to them as my weaknesses have too often been thrown back in my face.<br />
<br />
2. Grounding: this is the part where I focus on the present. I assess my senses; what is going on around me? What do I see, hear, smell? Am I hungry, tired, thirsty? I focus on the current and the concrete. I've tried it a little and didn't find it especially helpful. Yet.<br />
<br />
3. Meditative breathing: I'm a big believer in meditation. It's been scientifically proven to provide health benefits. Plus, I am bit of a sucker for yoga which is often meditative. I actually use that <a href="https://mic.com/articles/127062/looking-at-this-viral-gif-could-be-the-perfect-way-to-cope-with-an-anxiety-attack?utm_source=policymicFB&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=WHFacebook&utm_content=inf_60_285_2">anxiety gif</a> to slow my breathing at work, and it does help in the short term.<br />
<br />
The idea is that we will use these techniques to help me cope with talking about my trauma. If I can tell my narrative, it should help me move on. But bringing all that stuff up is risky and can cause side-effects, so I have these techniques to use as needed. I've already told a large chunk of the story on this very blog, and apparently it didn't help, so we'll see how this goes. Herein comes the nightmare in which I was trapped in a version of The Walking Dead with my ex and literally ran out to be eaten to get away. (My dog saved me so... happy ending?) I could not move my body for about 10 minutes after waking and tried to use grounding to help me overcome the visceral feel that my abuser was standing behind me.<br />
<br />
Theoretically, after we tell my "trauma narrative" and I get a good handle on my coping techniques, a lot of the depression and anxiety symptoms should fade. We will deal with what's left. Here's why I call bullshit. If you've ever taken one of these mental health questionnaires, you are familiar with the fact that they specify what symptoms you've experienced in the past week. I don't know about you, but if I'm in a decent enough place that I'm able to ask for help I haven't had a particularly bad week. So if I answer honestly, things don't look so bad. But if we were surveying the previous month, they'd be a lot worse. One of the darkest times of my life was several years after the wreck trauma (no PTSD there because I don't remember it) and several years before the abuse related trauma. I mean, we'll see. Maybe I'm totally wrong. I don't have great self-awareness.<br />
<br />
I'm not feeling great, but I do feel a little more positive in the sense that at least I'm working on it. So far I like therapy. If nothing else, it's nice to dump all my fears and neuroses on someone else without feeling guilty for talking about myself.<br />
<br />Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-742010932579847342018-03-23T21:42:00.001-05:002018-03-23T21:46:03.079-05:00March Check-inHello again!<br />
<br />
I really am trying to get better about this. I think I'm already topping 2017 so progress!<br />
<br />
March goals include:<br />
<br />
1. Basic body care: drinking at least 48 oz of water a day, washing my face 2x/day, and eating at least twice a day. You'd be shocked how often that last one falls off.<br />
<br />
2. Garden: Plant seeds/seedling, check daily, and weed at least 2x/week.<br />
<br />
3. Mental Health: keep attending therapy and note each session in my bujo.<br />
<br />
Yeah, I use words like bujo now. That's the kind of asshole I am. Honestly, all three of those general areas will probably stay on for the rest of the year, but the execution should change as I make progress. Let's do the check-in part of the check-in and see what progress I've already made! From February, I was working on:<br />
<br />
<strike>1. Research skin care options and start investing in them (including drinking water).</strike> I'm still working on the water part, but I have a decent routine established now. I'm doing a 10-step Korean system, or at least working my way up to one. I've got both cleansers, a moisturizer, eye cream, toner, and some masks. I just ordered my first ampoule and my sunscreen. And a mom-bud is sending me some exfoliator samples. I haven't noticed any difference yet, but that's not so odd.<br />
<br />
<strike>2. Explicitly target my mental health by finding a therapist.</strike> Found, and I've been 3 times!<br />
<br />
<strike>3. Improved sleep hygiene: develop and implement a nighttime routine one step at a time.</strike> One of the biggest things I wanted to do was to stop sleeping with my phone. I ordered and now use and actual alarm clock that has sunset/sunrise simulations designed to help with more natural sleeping and waking. It's hit or miss whether I bring my phone to bed or charge it elsewhere. I'm also still pretty inconsistent about a decent bedtime, but I have been getting to work an hour earlier so the net effect is what I was hoping to achieve! At least until I die from sleep deprivation.<br />
<br />
<strike>4. Make my peace with turning 30 (therapy should help).</strike> In my 3 whole sessions, we haven't had time to talk about this much yet. I'm still pretty hurt, especially considering that all the same friend group who blew me off are out tonight celebrating someone else's birthday without me because I had no idea there was anything planned until a day before and got stuck with baby duty.<br />
<br />
Since we're already approaching the end of March, I'll go ahead and break that down a bit as well. I'm very inconsistent about the water and eating thing, but I've done pretty damn well with the skin care. You might point out that of those 3 things, skin care is probably the least important. You are not wrong, but I don't really care about or like myself and I'm not suuuuper invested in my own survival and skin care is the only one that is somewhat entertaining. I swear I'mma do a post soon about the details of my (current) routine. I have tilled our not-so-little garden patch - bonus! it was a good workout - and planted a few things in pots indoors. Next weekend is a long weekend and should put us past the worst of these steep temperature drops, so I'll be transitioning some pots outside and planting the remaining seeds.<br />
<br />
Therapy... well that's a whole special beast. I have done well about documenting sessions but there's only been 3 so still plenty of time to screw that up. Shockingly, it turns out that I have anxiety, depression, PPD, anger issues, and PTSD! There is a lot of overlap in all of those things so probably the most salient is PTSD. Theoretically, once we address my trauma at least some of the others should diminish. I personally suspect that my PPD is a result of my PTSD as childbirth can be traumatic for assault victims. It was. Also shockingly, one of the reasons my PTSD has been so long lasting and severe is that I have difficulty connecting to people! Who would have thought I'd have trouble trusting and confiding in others with my interpersonal history? (Is the sarcasm clear in these statements? Should I italicize?) I've got a ton more to say, but we'll save that for another post. Fingers crossed we make it to two this month! I'mma try to be proactive and type it now. Come yell at me to get to work if you want.Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-74315858939581436362018-02-25T21:40:00.001-06:002018-02-25T21:40:06.506-06:00February Check-inHow is everyone?<br />
<br />
I'm terrible!<br />
<br />
I accomplished nothing in January so I reset the goals for February. Let's review, shall we?<br />
<br />
<strike>January</strike> February goals:<br />
1. Research skin care options and start investing in them (including drinking water).<br />
2. Explicitly target my mental health by finding a therapist.<br />
3. Improved sleep hygiene: develop and implement a nighttime routine one step at a time.<br />
4. Make my peace with turning 30 (therapy should help).<br />
<br />
My birthday was terrible. It was essentially ignored by all the people I know except my parental figures, so there goes goal #4 decimated. I did at least get some of my skin care products and I ordered the rest for myself so I now have a pretty decent routine down, going on 4 weeks. I haven't especially noticed any improvement in my skin but it is sort of soothing anyway.<br />
<br />
I tried contacting about 4 different therapists, one refused to see me unless I came in at 11, which means missing work. One thought they could schedule me and upon returning the call they were suddenly not taking new patients. I haven't heard back from the last two. So I'm trying but I haven't really gotten anywhere yet.<br />
<br />
I am doing better...ish? about my nighttime routine. I'm not quite hitting my 11 o'clock deadline every night but I'm not far off. I definitely need to work on avoiding electronics after 10. But I've been doing great at getting up earlier. It hasn't reduced my anxiety about getting work done, but I'm awake anyway.<br />
<br />
To sum up:<br />
1. Research skin care options and start investing in them (including drinking water). <b>DONE</b><br />
2. Explicitly target my mental health by finding a therapist. <b>IN PROCESS</b><br />
3. Improved sleep hygiene: develop and implement a nighttime routine one step at a time. <b>IN PROCESS</b><br />
4. Make my peace with turning 30 (therapy should help). <b>NOPE</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Please tell me you are doing better than I am.Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-53916665082651024292018-01-10T09:24:00.001-06:002018-01-10T09:24:35.595-06:0030 before 30 - Check in #3<ol style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.7273px; line-height: 16px; margin: 10px 0px 10px 5px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 10px;">
<li><strong><strike>Get married</strike>. </strong>Got married AND had a wedding a year and a half apart and still managed to get it in before 30!</li>
<li><strong><strike>Have a kid</strike>.</strong> CHECK.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8J6nE2gDCtC6yWAzosDOJPBdiH1qovxP-BF7PIL9Fpg0mHJHhgKmpGoAVbY_o0hScx437MtbJFFhvYS-h1Gpi4kQsLAwcjNwxhGfO64tqBATrGBgDYS_DDsxwcK4aX1vU7NeSTKf_PZY/s1600/Gemma+nap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8J6nE2gDCtC6yWAzosDOJPBdiH1qovxP-BF7PIL9Fpg0mHJHhgKmpGoAVbY_o0hScx437MtbJFFhvYS-h1Gpi4kQsLAwcjNwxhGfO64tqBATrGBgDYS_DDsxwcK4aX1vU7NeSTKf_PZY/s320/Gemma+nap.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fell asleep sitting up lol</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</li>
<li><strong><strike>Sell my crafts</strike>.</strong> I have sold cakes and even a couple of knitted items. I'm also thinking I'll start an Etsy shop this year for some of my crafts. That'll technically be after I turn 30, but I've already officially met this goal anyway. </li>
<li><strong><strike>Learn to sew</strike>. </strong>Yeah... naw. That's not going to happen beyond basic repairs. We have friends that make clothes so I may eventually learn some more significant skills but I DID teach myself to crochet last year so done-ish?</li>
<li><strong><strike>Learn more about my car</strike>.</strong> From last time: <i>I actually feel pretty good about this and am calling it DONE... for my current vehicle. I've gotten several diagnoses correct in the past and know how to check all the fluid levels (and replenish them), etc. Plus, Husband is a good back-up in this area.</i> </li>
<li><strong><strike>Own a newer car.</strike></strong> Holy crap, I never got to tell this story! We actually had to buy a new car 2 days after the wedding so I now drive a 2016. I'll tell the full debacle later this week. It's pretty spectacular. </li>
<li><strong>Stop renting.</strong> Not going to happen. Again, we're not exactly renting now but we're also not owners. (Should have phrased this one differently.) However, Husband recently had an exciting job change so we are looking at purchasing in the next couple of years. Bonus, since we did take a bit longer, several negatives on our respective credit reports are going to roll off and we should be able to get a much better mortgage rate. So I'm okay with this situation. </li>
<li><strong><strike>Get a pet (or pets)</strike>.</strong> My two oldest children love their new sister!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</li>
<li><strong><strike>Blog</strike>. </strong>I'm working on consistency, but this is technically done. </li>
<li><strong><strike>Keep a journal regularly</strike>.</strong> Just got my bullet journal for this year! This one is actually an ongoing habit so it'll never really be <i>done</i> but I'm saying I've met my goal. </li>
<li><strong><strike>Write every day</strike>.</strong> I probably should have phrased this one differently, too, since I mean write something for myself. I do write every day, though!</li>
<li><strong>Finish a book.</strong> Also not going to happen. I'll roll it to the next list, but with kids in the picture now... Unless I can quit my day job I'm not sure it'll ever happen honestly. I won't stop trying!</li>
<li><strong><strike>Read the Bible</strike>.</strong> Forgot again! It's not going to happen before 30 but I decided I kind of don't care? So it's not met but it no longer matters. I'm scratching it off. </li>
<li><strong><strike>Create art</strike>.</strong> I painted a beautiful yarn bowl. Like, for real, it was gorgeous. Until my cat broke it. Nevertheless CHECK!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYo4ldG_mPZGetaTiH6Q743MuEwYiZRl4WK4nHn0pU8mE0foD1jlD6TLIJLoeI5Ti5DYgKv1lze6h1G2VzMzhEXe2vPeb-lh4DucxmLOFZuOm-sRZBjD87uBjmwHISWJwK7g4VblvlpPw/s1600/Yarn+bowl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYo4ldG_mPZGetaTiH6Q743MuEwYiZRl4WK4nHn0pU8mE0foD1jlD6TLIJLoeI5Ti5DYgKv1lze6h1G2VzMzhEXe2vPeb-lh4DucxmLOFZuOm-sRZBjD87uBjmwHISWJwK7g4VblvlpPw/s320/Yarn+bowl.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It was seriously beautiful and I used <br />it when I made the baby blanket :D</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</li>
<li><strong>Start a bonsai.</strong> I really should have been checking in more because I straight forgot a bunch of these... I do want to plant more so this will probably roll over to my 40s list and turn into "start a garden."</li>
<li><strong><strike>Get close to someone</strike>.</strong> I've put a lot of effort into being a better friend. I'm sure there is a lot more I could improve on, but I feel like I've made enough progress to call this one DONE. </li>
<li><strong><strike>Let go</strike>.</strong> I'm doing a lot better in 2018 and I finally asked for a therapy referral AND I finally have insurance that covers it! I'm excited to start and I'm calling this one as DONE as it can be at this point. </li>
<li><b><strike>Take a course in ASL</strike>.</b> Not a formal course, but I actually have picked up a lot via work, Switched at Birth (seriously, it's a decent crash course in some basics if you pay attention) and using baby sign with the kid. </li>
<li><strong><strike>Travel</strike>.</strong> This is another one that's actually probably a lifelong, ongoing goal. But we have been all over the country together so I'm calling it done. 40s list will probably specify leaving the country.</li>
<li><strong><strike>Attend Comic Con/BlizzCon/cons in general</strike>.</strong> We've attended <a href="http://mtac.net/">MTAC</a>, <a href="http://geekmediaexpo.com/">GMX</a>, <a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2014/11/fly-away.html/">Blizzcon</a>, and <a href="http://www.comic-con.org/">SDCC</a>! We're also going to <a href="http://www.dragoncon.org/">DragonCon</a> this year!</li>
<li><strong><strike>Start taking violin/voice lessons</strike>. </strong>I definitely should have cut some of these learning based ones... I've only got so much time, I can't be taking so many lessons! Not going to happen, and I'm checking it off because it's just not important to me anymore. </li>
<li><strong><strike>Diet and exercise</strike>.</strong> We've gotten a lot better at our house in general about cutting out a lot of processed foods (helps to be poor!) as well as going low carb. I do need to get more physically active. Hauling a baby around counts, right?</li>
<li><strong><strike>Become a cook</strike>.</strong> From last time: <i>DONE! I'm always going to be learning new recipes, but I know my way around the kitchen and am comfortable just throwing things together and making it a meal.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh6Rj2sE60SDhKxuJksYp8Xo0k8cCf_jzDMYRHXZgeDIKkniu-gyEh9lQ3HNK44p60nBOVY9b0jQvGjh0oIqhbLjOSgq2kGyUsq0JR3B2YOtvFLSxfla7PjpFC-BdGSGpUOz9MWrMudBk/s1600/Lasagna.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh6Rj2sE60SDhKxuJksYp8Xo0k8cCf_jzDMYRHXZgeDIKkniu-gyEh9lQ3HNK44p60nBOVY9b0jQvGjh0oIqhbLjOSgq2kGyUsq0JR3B2YOtvFLSxfla7PjpFC-BdGSGpUOz9MWrMudBk/s320/Lasagna.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mushroom, spinach, and sausage lasagna.<br />I made up this recipe so I'm pretty amazing.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</i></li>
<li><strong><strike>Work as an SLP</strike>.</strong> For a while now. I think I could even supervise!</li>
<li><strong><strike>Pay more on student loans</strike>.</strong> I've been steadily reducing that total! I think I'll have them paid off by 40 (I freaking hope!) since my job allows some loan forgiveness after a few years. </li>
<li><strong>Build some savings.</strong> Noooop! After both of us being unemployed several months, moving twice, and having a kid we kind of decimated what we had saved. We're back on track to set some aside though. </li>
<li><strong><strike>Tattoos</strike>! </strong>I don't have any new ones but I do still have six so I'm calling this done. I might give myself one for my birthday though... </li>
<li><strong><strike>Gaming</strike>.</strong> Listen, bro. I played D&D. My game cred is real. CHECK. </li>
<li><strong><strike>Learn how to style myself</strike>.</strong> DONE! </li>
<li><strong><strike>Cut my hair</strike>. </strong>I've done both an undercut and a pixie and right now I have a pixie <i>with</i> and undercut and it's green! Check this one off!</li>
</ol>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKX1Jh4W-Mm3dMudqSVkZZtii5W449CCSa9T3QBfFKnwIzcpvq3GXVOUZcSuu3haH_XwaoTj22Uu8NKcQGqjckZv-27ujgku3CU6QbPjlFJP_D_4Q5zYWMDxK_40xYF0YOgSRnSXLOaNM/s1600/Undercut.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKX1Jh4W-Mm3dMudqSVkZZtii5W449CCSa9T3QBfFKnwIzcpvq3GXVOUZcSuu3haH_XwaoTj22Uu8NKcQGqjckZv-27ujgku3CU6QbPjlFJP_D_4Q5zYWMDxK_40xYF0YOgSRnSXLOaNM/s320/Undercut.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Undercut</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrG3zhpfDmH4nS9xesMDABlu36Wg_AQYqwNTpHCv0KNF-_ayaxkFQfxySA-KgoPYntXIMNRiLVHM2WQteY1EZ7vDZWJQ17NfjudXKC74l2yIUtKHF44m1jQ0Co93OWUA_qzyOojZ5f0C0/s1600/Pixie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrG3zhpfDmH4nS9xesMDABlu36Wg_AQYqwNTpHCv0KNF-_ayaxkFQfxySA-KgoPYntXIMNRiLVHM2WQteY1EZ7vDZWJQ17NfjudXKC74l2yIUtKHF44m1jQ0Co93OWUA_qzyOojZ5f0C0/s320/Pixie.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pixie</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8O6zMrRON8sl4FG5hOvMhg0jUYrVVaIvf4E97COWhk6hTqfEvDNIJjWJ5dzmHn-6x9Evjsnvq0pF3uE2FthX0ubO02GqHxBlNDftNiN1vP-V6EHekRdADpCk1-tD2oZqc_b1_iofnPe4/s1600/Pixie+undercut.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8O6zMrRON8sl4FG5hOvMhg0jUYrVVaIvf4E97COWhk6hTqfEvDNIJjWJ5dzmHn-6x9Evjsnvq0pF3uE2FthX0ubO02GqHxBlNDftNiN1vP-V6EHekRdADpCk1-tD2oZqc_b1_iofnPe4/s320/Pixie+undercut.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Longer pixie with undercut and green now</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "lucida grande" , "tahoma" , "verdana" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.7273px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "lucida grande" , "tahoma" , "verdana" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.7273px;">I'm only missing 4 goals! Okay, so I fudged a few and crossed a couple off that I decided I didn't care about, but still. I'm pretty happy with that progress. </span></span></div>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-5111389420718663722018-01-03T17:40:00.001-06:002018-01-03T17:40:10.804-06:002018One post per year, that's a good track record, right?<br />
<br />
2017 was crap on a cracker, shit on a stick, a bitch on a bender. I'm so glad it's over because it did not go well.<br />
<br />
2017 has been a year of failure. I failed consistently and often. My labor was a terrible experience. I failed at breastfeeding. It was demoralizing and painful. I failed at caring for myself and my family. I've struggled with PPD and no way to treat it. I've let my physical health slide for months until finally finishing the year so sick I still can't eat normally. For the second year in a row, we couldn't afford Christmas. I failed at work. I've been told many times that I'm not qualified to make what I believe I deserve by people who don't know me and a few who do. I've failed to speak out about issues that are important to me. I've failed to advocate for myself, my husband, and my daughter.<br />
<br />
2016 was a hellacious year but at least I was doing something. 2017 has knocked the fight out of me. I hate that this is how I will remember the first year of my daughter's life. I hope in a year, I can look back and see that I've make progress, that I've gotten better. But history doesn't seem to favor that outcome.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqfgcI9uqeDeo5RL04TgiUbL1W-VMW65-zv91adOZrxAgMFAjK5ywux1xgXdEHT-vFiWsJ_zCRDW3Gvml7ATJ1kfRHQkWgYlYdM80y5GZOYz45junzj4h7MYCMUwXkZFsbaiy-JqOqoXk/s1600/2017+dumpster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqfgcI9uqeDeo5RL04TgiUbL1W-VMW65-zv91adOZrxAgMFAjK5ywux1xgXdEHT-vFiWsJ_zCRDW3Gvml7ATJ1kfRHQkWgYlYdM80y5GZOYz45junzj4h7MYCMUwXkZFsbaiy-JqOqoXk/s1600/2017+dumpster.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://dayoftheshirt.com/">source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I've decided that I'm going to be more proactive about it nonetheless. I hereby declare 2018 the year of self-care! And I'll start by:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi34qLFoECDoecAsaTrBOlZW7uUaBJfN1QOyUK4aUIuen-umOZRz8dbWUPbteOK8Uup6zKt7USOu71C0Ug7S0q6a-rhwQ6q5xB9hVRj2zEwIXu9BOnCbE3LbjJ_PDa8vZzjnL0v5wKDC60/s1600/maxine.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="372" data-original-width="482" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi34qLFoECDoecAsaTrBOlZW7uUaBJfN1QOyUK4aUIuen-umOZRz8dbWUPbteOK8Uup6zKt7USOu71C0Ug7S0q6a-rhwQ6q5xB9hVRj2zEwIXu9BOnCbE3LbjJ_PDa8vZzjnL0v5wKDC60/s320/maxine.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://giphy.com/">source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
My time wasted on people and organizations that don't care about me.<br />
<br />
My time wasted arguing with self-centered jerks who aren't listening anyway.<br />
<br />
My time wasted being angry about things that are over and done.<br />
<br />
My time wasted on people who don't treat me with respect.<br />
<br />
My time wasted tearing myself and my body down instead of caring for them.<br />
<br />
I'd like to have a general resolution to focus on improving myself this year, specifically in terms of how I treat myself. I've spent many years working on being a better friend and more compassionate person in general and while I'm sure I can still improve a lot, I feel I've made good progress in that regard. But I've badly neglected myself. To that end, I will create specific monthly goals starting with this month, my birthday month!<br />
<br />
January goals:<br />
1. Research skin care options and start investing in them (including drinking water).<br />
2. Explicitly target my mental health by finding a therapist.<br />
3. Improved sleep hygiene: develop and implement a nighttime routine one step at a time.<br />
4. Make my peace with turning 30 (therapy should help).<br />
<br />
Each of those goals will be further broken down into concrete achievable steps that I will track in my bullet journal and post updates about here. At the end of the month, I'll keep what works and dump what doesn't. To <b>that</b> end I'll be rearranging some sections at the top that I no longer use (<i>cough</i> style me <i>cough</i>) and collecting this self-improvement quest there.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhvwhkX73EhpU0r95imHfrz86ERxBWHkiLOeWJLPXDhS8mBKkY65062HicWKK2Q5DMfyF6dXNHFIDFX_WuiOhy0EcY1F-lxka5Q8RL9z6SD3VLRTJ49a5hdAu_N6SyZTb-jzNnPPUroXU/s1600/self-care.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1029" data-original-width="625" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhvwhkX73EhpU0r95imHfrz86ERxBWHkiLOeWJLPXDhS8mBKkY65062HicWKK2Q5DMfyF6dXNHFIDFX_WuiOhy0EcY1F-lxka5Q8RL9z6SD3VLRTJ49a5hdAu_N6SyZTb-jzNnPPUroXU/s400/self-care.jpg" width="242" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://kaleinit.com/">source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I miss writing so I'm really going to try to stay on top of my regular posting schedule again. Other things to look for soon: an update on 30 before 30 since I'm running out of time AND a birth story for my little girl.<br />
<br />
2018 will be my year because I'll grab it by the throat and wrestle to the ground if it gives me any goddamn lip. I accept nothing less.Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-14575820574410377562017-04-07T19:53:00.001-05:002017-04-07T20:10:17.360-05:002017<div class="MsoNormal">
Goddamn 2017. Who thought we could top 2016 for awfulness,
but so far we’re managing! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But first, since my posting was so sparse (non-existent?) last
year, let’s play a bit of catch-up. In 2016, I had a wedding:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuVgSrYGz-BpkI3Rgscfw2kTA2BqNEEkZBzR-uAWdyVORTYd2q8dBho3CdFvrK4ch_cKBTxYMwjFTcVJYI-cgWSYr4Oj67Q2iRPBXtOiR7b_MlxkEoVEKtya3PYAd_VlpZfjIX_kMyAg4/s1600/Wedding+favor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuVgSrYGz-BpkI3Rgscfw2kTA2BqNEEkZBzR-uAWdyVORTYd2q8dBho3CdFvrK4ch_cKBTxYMwjFTcVJYI-cgWSYr4Oj67Q2iRPBXtOiR7b_MlxkEoVEKtya3PYAd_VlpZfjIX_kMyAg4/s400/Wedding+favor.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Got pregnant:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi17s5_MbdMdLn6Mu3MLywy27M0sZYNAUKvTZjoHiFu6pfyEhVxCMZtWpPdgAN9K9CK5xjXHImub0ieO-4LInhoS4pfJJrRmYIF6b9iPiKdoVgF7uWmJVM5cotdj5-fBq6ex47_JJUnKdg/s1600/Pregnancy+Test.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi17s5_MbdMdLn6Mu3MLywy27M0sZYNAUKvTZjoHiFu6pfyEhVxCMZtWpPdgAN9K9CK5xjXHImub0ieO-4LInhoS4pfJJrRmYIF6b9iPiKdoVgF7uWmJVM5cotdj5-fBq6ex47_JJUnKdg/s400/Pregnancy+Test.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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Went to SDCC and met my favorite people in the world:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz38RJz9phd3aWZ9iVHd7pNq5qYZ7azaXDLCThe8zZOJAuySZxKnFQAOGOT1lmfAhNaw3PHp5lDjawwm3W1gD3cm62i9r-SfFKwnAk8nsnAECt5oWgj3sk_xIgxMtYLVZpbfdfL17y8jg/s1600/Baby+Announcement.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz38RJz9phd3aWZ9iVHd7pNq5qYZ7azaXDLCThe8zZOJAuySZxKnFQAOGOT1lmfAhNaw3PHp5lDjawwm3W1gD3cm62i9r-SfFKwnAk8nsnAECt5oWgj3sk_xIgxMtYLVZpbfdfL17y8jg/s400/Baby+Announcement.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Went to Blizzcon for the 3<sup>rd</sup> time:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0p71naufbIz18_KE9Ea3SqqG6QiO_beG1SLETqnAJmNbHWJakSu1GvPb3QYlc56dzS35eeGTuvmksjdIWnSzmNby8Eer6zInGa-sk65rWenUs6eir71h0ho4yjBnAywZ4HKcSS3YjMLU/s1600/Blizzcon+Bump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0p71naufbIz18_KE9Ea3SqqG6QiO_beG1SLETqnAJmNbHWJakSu1GvPb3QYlc56dzS35eeGTuvmksjdIWnSzmNby8Eer6zInGa-sk65rWenUs6eir71h0ho4yjBnAywZ4HKcSS3YjMLU/s400/Blizzcon+Bump.jpg" width="221" /></a></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Moved twice:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEuB5CeuxAV52A-2-_9R2gG892JYFTTDC9RX6C98qJizM1OImtqZ9FTCUSNptEQ0FZ3vHyiBakl24-DLjfa_vqUU2FeKK2pwnLq3MCzZzxYHM7i08z5i5SWtnSTw7GOqVz0zcTcE-DnFA/s1600/Moving.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEuB5CeuxAV52A-2-_9R2gG892JYFTTDC9RX6C98qJizM1OImtqZ9FTCUSNptEQ0FZ3vHyiBakl24-DLjfa_vqUU2FeKK2pwnLq3MCzZzxYHM7i08z5i5SWtnSTw7GOqVz0zcTcE-DnFA/s400/Moving.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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And just generally had a pretty kick-ass personally despite
the giant turd pile that was our election. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In 2017, I had a baby:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8wilZIdRjGvTQ3NglG70mAex3O-hmzqbha_fKO48_BKVGS3SUnvb1uM0D25gWSpYXnYlNJAXyQmRgWI9i6iN8VfqFojr0jlUxMyQQfodo_8l8vPpXn1Q7Dqmgowu1NgbgGdZMFeuOTnM/s1600/Sunday+Clothes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8wilZIdRjGvTQ3NglG70mAex3O-hmzqbha_fKO48_BKVGS3SUnvb1uM0D25gWSpYXnYlNJAXyQmRgWI9i6iN8VfqFojr0jlUxMyQQfodo_8l8vPpXn1Q7Dqmgowu1NgbgGdZMFeuOTnM/s400/Sunday+Clothes.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I freaking love this kid. It’s seriously a bit disturbing
how obsessed I am with her. But after all, she’s the cutest baby in the
universe so it’s not really surprising.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
None of that changes the fact that it’s already been a
really tough year. This child is the most beautiful creature, but getting her
here was very difficult on me financially, physically, and emotionally. Today
was particularly challenging for a variety of reasons I won’t get into now, and
my first instinct was to post about it on more traditional social media,
reaching out to my friends for support. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I stopped. I didn’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I mentioned pregnancy was difficult on me, right? In
defiance of all “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/What-Expect-When-Youre-Expecting/dp/0761187480">What to Expect</a>” wisdom, my second trimester was the worst. I
was exhausted, in pain, and emotionally drained. I felt awful pretty much all
of the time and on top of everything else I had the stress of moving for the
second time 6 months and starting new jobs after months of no work. At the
time, I sought refuge in friends and loved ones. I complained a lot because I
felt like I had a lot to complain about. I was looking for support from people
who cared about me, and some who had been through something similar. I’m a firm
believer that you shouldn’t hide pain. Speaking about it honestly not only
gives your loved ones the opportunity to help you but it lets other who may be
going through the same know that they aren’t alone. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We shot that horse in the face. I was told by several people
to stop. Be quiet. You complain too much. Do you even want to be a mother? I
was accused of hating my child. I was laughed at and ignored. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I said, I don’t believe silence really helps anything.
Maybe it works for some people - just wear a smile and think happy thoughts and
you’ll feel better! But I can’t just pretend I feel fine and turn it into the
truth. I need to share. As it turns out, that’s not welcome. So… silence it is. I guess I will swallow my truth.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-86432213884806030312016-03-13T22:22:00.000-05:002016-03-13T22:22:57.500-05:00Wedding ResolutionsIn order to prepare myself mentally and physically for my wedding, I pledge the following:<br />
<br />
1. Drink water more than any other beverage (possibly exclusively after my morning coffee).<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9ydoNT1_Bn1ULsgAcXd9XuOa49pHsINNa2PFi-Z-vJkP0NThAwz4TMjv0oPIYBClZroTUAf8U3WgRHgMORs1pOeyORVF_DsWP224hOmFFmi0voM6VakCTA20gq1C-XnT1VpUZt-cUvx8/s1600/Contingo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9ydoNT1_Bn1ULsgAcXd9XuOa49pHsINNa2PFi-Z-vJkP0NThAwz4TMjv0oPIYBClZroTUAf8U3WgRHgMORs1pOeyORVF_DsWP224hOmFFmi0voM6VakCTA20gq1C-XnT1VpUZt-cUvx8/s400/Contingo.jpg" width="362" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://greenlifestylechanges.com/">source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
2. Workout and walk everyday (weather permitting).<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhzRlJBimnm2DlUeXGQr98h4h6W1XfPG4oqIeBVnmM5yzv8zi1_U9NN1DNFtNSQsuCEyAgM-j-pvxODHARoQxOB-b2wc4Ob5aYW9iLJAawSRxMdSkxT9vK_WUjCgMqtZy_OMJdEFpcIZQ/s1600/yoga.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhzRlJBimnm2DlUeXGQr98h4h6W1XfPG4oqIeBVnmM5yzv8zi1_U9NN1DNFtNSQsuCEyAgM-j-pvxODHARoQxOB-b2wc4Ob5aYW9iLJAawSRxMdSkxT9vK_WUjCgMqtZy_OMJdEFpcIZQ/s400/yoga.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://wp.nootheme.com/">source</a><br />
This is exactly what I look like. EXACTLY.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
3. No (added) sugar.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDQLvYDuJsmVYtLhOhvreO-0_Wxyeyanl17F_nqPvG-2n-XM-EX7X3OeMyKi2QWAvcBToGvDTLR92_z_2sAE_6m_FmEfvtW6kBIZXUVSt8YSXiemHoOgl58psD7Czytz2UGE5-kUrk6nM/s1600/sugar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDQLvYDuJsmVYtLhOhvreO-0_Wxyeyanl17F_nqPvG-2n-XM-EX7X3OeMyKi2QWAvcBToGvDTLR92_z_2sAE_6m_FmEfvtW6kBIZXUVSt8YSXiemHoOgl58psD7Czytz2UGE5-kUrk6nM/s320/sugar.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://medhealthdaily.com/">source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
4. Low carb meals.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijarjVl4N5ahdeKcy8BMGg_Q8oeoRTzLHPdr2dSsTLIS0xaPPCCnYuW_9TXX0MuoqE2Bm-9Q0ErZWzzLdBkB1SlXsOPdZasL544IbA4qb5YsvOWectF_l-elF_U0rquQ2wxoRXqGSN5F8/s1600/low+carb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijarjVl4N5ahdeKcy8BMGg_Q8oeoRTzLHPdr2dSsTLIS0xaPPCCnYuW_9TXX0MuoqE2Bm-9Q0ErZWzzLdBkB1SlXsOPdZasL544IbA4qb5YsvOWectF_l-elF_U0rquQ2wxoRXqGSN5F8/s640/low+carb.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://dietdoctor.com/">source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
5. Fewer processed foods.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU5XCz67E3CPZykFhBcZS-YEFWxIzAA3dQ0VlAuhHxxXwBZWE6cNHgU9PFcjB6J0QevoIhG02afeYWZJbQMaxghvQGkf0brR_b7bXlaDubmA-NgFr3XkhRO26Kp7PrIofClwqtRLkAAYg/s1600/processed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="315" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU5XCz67E3CPZykFhBcZS-YEFWxIzAA3dQ0VlAuhHxxXwBZWE6cNHgU9PFcjB6J0QevoIhG02afeYWZJbQMaxghvQGkf0brR_b7bXlaDubmA-NgFr3XkhRO26Kp7PrIofClwqtRLkAAYg/s400/processed.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://primalroost.com/">source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
6. Lotion everyday.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0shOpywJzLoilNJlB9VUCMIBZVos_hGxw4EYgMRXpUxEGJNTpdFnye98SRBL_oIimcUE2JKarYLAjaqzI7GR-SVgXTxrugLkndbVBackLIiBNqge5BhfOW1xruE3NKS7IAHp0Mfs6nuU/s1600/aveeno.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0shOpywJzLoilNJlB9VUCMIBZVos_hGxw4EYgMRXpUxEGJNTpdFnye98SRBL_oIimcUE2JKarYLAjaqzI7GR-SVgXTxrugLkndbVBackLIiBNqge5BhfOW1xruE3NKS7IAHp0Mfs6nuU/s400/aveeno.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://ispot.tv/">source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
7. Remove makeup and wash my face every night.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS9D-h9VLAGhJZrbCF94pnGo1cx0Lhbam1yuQ9-hwhFqL4XzPk8yxdFpbyONU1gcRwClDaT7SqaRHjzQSJrESw_3Yd9rmyaZVltuDBpJRcX4b37LUcwlRnieZvW-l0AsNhl_Mjin52KZA/s1600/facewash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS9D-h9VLAGhJZrbCF94pnGo1cx0Lhbam1yuQ9-hwhFqL4XzPk8yxdFpbyONU1gcRwClDaT7SqaRHjzQSJrESw_3Yd9rmyaZVltuDBpJRcX4b37LUcwlRnieZvW-l0AsNhl_Mjin52KZA/s400/facewash.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://theglow.com.au/">source</a><br />
Smearing soap on your face is so fun!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I'd like to keep up the habits after the wedding as well (though I'll probably add a few more drinks into rotation), but I definitely want to keep it up until April's end. Wish me luck!</div>
<br /></div>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-21030577660810618372016-03-08T19:53:00.002-06:002016-03-08T19:53:46.800-06:00International Women's DayOkay! For my first post of the year, barring the one announcing the new year, I'm busting out International Women's Day!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6qa7S5ef2WJ7060CWXJzvbDVNK4jgz_r8RmBiX7mONbTryjYbnpTAFVP_H0RaXn1YwDueXRQU2t_lrGSXaTtdyKoyPoPTfXcqzkcnWv3myYms0QHy_28VdGVZp6yEerQTx9hJQj0z6SE/s1600/International-Womens-Day-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="185" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6qa7S5ef2WJ7060CWXJzvbDVNK4jgz_r8RmBiX7mONbTryjYbnpTAFVP_H0RaXn1YwDueXRQU2t_lrGSXaTtdyKoyPoPTfXcqzkcnWv3myYms0QHy_28VdGVZp6yEerQTx9hJQj0z6SE/s400/International-Womens-Day-1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://quotesgiant.com/">source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I don't have too much to say about it that hasn't already been said and better than I ever could. You all know I'm a feminist, you should know about the ridiculous, systematic oppression of women worldwide, and you should appreciate the women in your lives!<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Sorry I've been MIA for a while, all. Wedding planning, IEP season, general life concerns, and my own personal goal of Leslie Knopp-ification have kept me from devoting much time to other pursuits. I can't promise it will change as the wedding is still 2 months out, but I didn't want to let this day pass without note. Later, my lovelies!<br /><br /></div>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-15953893850310825982016-01-06T17:59:00.002-06:002016-01-06T17:59:22.119-06:002016As you may all recall, blogging fell apart for the second half of 2015. Yeah... that was rough. It wasn't exactly that things were so terrible for me (although my anxiety definitely doesn't play nice), it was more an issue of purpose. I started blogging as an outlet for myself and as my responsibilities increased, it because another obligation because I was putting so much pressure on myself to keep up with it.. Don't get me wrong, I still love writing! But I just started sinking and I cast off the first weight I could think of.<br />
<br />
So among my resolutions for the new year is that I will cut myself some slack. I'm leaving the blog schedule as it stands (despite already having broken it....) but if life happens and I can't stick to it, that's okay! I'll still try to keep up with my posting schedule, but the second issue is that I'm out of the habit now so I feel like I don't have the time. I do, I did before! I just have to get back at it. And I'll try to keep you all apprised of the occasions when I can't so you won't be so so sad as you were before. But I will warn you now that there are going to be times this year when CCW is lacking and I'm making my peace with that so you should, too.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitgH7s18rpyyfQjbDMdVhlk7cHilnlF3_EFmFIkT8pCi8rcMZTy3UHcdFBbl-B4r3P52XwOZ-0BOmxWvD7rRJ0Nh8PuIw02S6zF7lB7n4O3naNbTNWibxnMBW15QT4r8a9A9jjZt9FSTo/s1600/2016.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="270" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitgH7s18rpyyfQjbDMdVhlk7cHilnlF3_EFmFIkT8pCi8rcMZTy3UHcdFBbl-B4r3P52XwOZ-0BOmxWvD7rRJ0Nh8PuIw02S6zF7lB7n4O3naNbTNWibxnMBW15QT4r8a9A9jjZt9FSTo/s640/2016.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiai-mPspbKAhUO42MKHTrLDJkQjB0IBg&url=http%3A%2F%2Ftheodysseyonline.com%2Fmarist%2F16-things-look-forward-2016%2F231298&psig=AFQjCNF6HsSFSPfigc6B8b8sBoW20r5SIg&ust=1452210961442157">source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Welcome to 2016! We're going to kick ass!Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-76418734039963184702015-12-31T13:51:00.005-06:002015-12-31T13:57:18.807-06:00New Year<span style="font-family: inherit;">Well, as I mentioned in the fall, the back half of 2015 has been a bit rough for me. Christmas, as is typical for me, only made it worse. But now it's New Year's Eve! My and Husband's 4 year anniversary is tomorrow! And un-typical for most people, NYE is usually a pretty fun time for me. Maybe it's because I keep my expectations low (the opposite of my Christmas problem) but as long as I make to midnight with tasty snacks and alcohol, I'm happy!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
In any case, I've been feeling the itch to post and thought I should definitely do an end-of-year post. But my anxiety is the kind that tells me "it's been too long since you've posted! You'll never be able to catch up! Just quit!" Fuck that, brain. I'll take a short cut: 30 before 30 check in! Bonus: Resolutions!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong>
<strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong>
<b>1. </b><strike style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 16px;">Get married.</strike><b style="line-height: 16px;"> </b><span style="line-height: 16px;">As I've mentioned before, this is done! Although I still haven't had a wedding, it is now planned for next April, so I still hit it before the 30 mark. We have reserved a venue and a photographer and everything! </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="line-height: 16px;"><b>2. </b></span><strong style="line-height: 16px;">Have a kid.</strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> We want to wait til after the wedding, mostly because I already have a dress that I definitely wouldn't fit into preggo, but also because I plan on switching jobs/moving after the spring semester and it'd be nice to be settled a little before bringing a little one around. Nevertheless, I'm confident we'll hit this goal.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong>
<strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>3. Sell my crafts.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> I'm still calling this one DONE, but just moments ago I got an idea to start an Etsy side-business with a friend of mine... so we'll see!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></strong>
<span style="line-height: 16px;"><b>4. </b></span><strong style="line-height: 16px;">Learn to sew.</strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> So I was supposed to work on this during the break and completely spaced since, you know, anxiety and depression. We'll get there! I plan on making my own Rey cosplay for SDCC this summer, so I'll probably learn then. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEMRuUJEwiL3jw3_sbZCEgnpwJLPUlFb4TgsuUMKrGmgHAYNiH0VtwPK2VEBGfogv6BJl-YverctLWw-tMVn_C_GU0CWD1FYQFfcNrGT9yl67_T6jpvqWyK3QakEBSLj0qSiUPh-gOOQ0/s1600/Rey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEMRuUJEwiL3jw3_sbZCEgnpwJLPUlFb4TgsuUMKrGmgHAYNiH0VtwPK2VEBGfogv6BJl-YverctLWw-tMVn_C_GU0CWD1FYQFfcNrGT9yl67_T6jpvqWyK3QakEBSLj0qSiUPh-gOOQ0/s400/Rey.jpg" width="266" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I'd actually prefer her costume from the end of the film,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">but I can't find a good picture of it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">(<a href="http://www.hitfix.com/">source</a>)</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<ol style="line-height: 16px; margin: 10px 0px 10px 5px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 10px;">
</ol>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>5. Learn more about my car.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> DONE (for the current car)</span></span><br />
<strong style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;"><br /></strong>
<strong style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">6. Own a newer car.</strong><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;"> Another reason we're waiting a little bit on kids. I definitely want something safer/more reliable before I start carting around an infant in it. My next car will be my kids' car so I'm planning according. Hopefully I can do this sometime in 2016. WE HAVE A PLAN I SWEAR!</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></strong></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;">7. Stop renting.</strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> I mean, we're not I</span><i style="line-height: 16px;"> technically</i><span style="line-height: 16px;"> renting even now, but we also don't own the place. This is another one I'd like to check off before having kids (though not necessarily before getting pregnant) so we're looking at 2016 sometime for home-ownership also. It'll all depend on how the job situation plays out. Once I get my CCCs in January, I anticipate (and really hope) that a lot of this will get a little easier to pull together. </span></span><br />
<strong style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong>
<strong style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;"><strike>8. Get a pet (or pets).</strike></strong><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;"> We now have a Moose and an Echo! DONE!</span><br />
<strong style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong>
<strong style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;"><strike>9. Blog.</strike> </strong><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">CHECK! DONE! I know I'm not super consistent, but I always come back eventually!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>10. Keep a journal regularly.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> Much like the blog, I'm not super consistent, but I am doing it!</span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>11.Write every day.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> DONE. I definitely didn't have it in me to do NaNoWriMo this year, but maybe 2016? Even numbered years always seem to go a little better for me...</span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></strong></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;">12. Finish a book.</strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> NaNoWriMo! Next year, SIGH.</span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></strong></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;">13. Read the Bible.</strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> Kinda forgot... hello resolution 2016! Lots of lists out there for getting it done in year!</span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>14. Create art.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> I'm considering some of my homemade decor, craft projects, and writing all to be art. I declare this DONE! Though I'd still like to do one of those painting classes eventually. </span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></strong></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;">15. </strong><strong style="line-height: 16px;">Start a bonsai.</strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> I started a </span><a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2015/08/gardening-part-2.html" style="line-height: 16px;">vegetable garden</a><span style="line-height: 16px;"> this year, that counts, right? SIGH, I'll do it. </span></span></div>
<div>
<strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></strike></strong></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>16. </strike></strong><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>Get close to someone.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> I'm calling this impossible as either my personality or my environment won't allow it. </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="line-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>17. Let go.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> Another one that is really an ongoing, life-long thing, but I'm making progress! I'm probably/hopefully going to start seeing a therapist for my anxiety. However, I'm calling this done, since the original thing I wanted to let go of, I have!</span><br /><b style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>18. Take a course in ASL</strike>.</b><span style="line-height: 16px;"> I actually have been studying up on this both at work and through youtube videos. DONE-ZO! (Although I'll continue to learn.)</span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>19. Travel.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> We've been all over the U.S., though not yet Hawaii. This is a life-long thing, and I'm calling it done since I'm pretty satisfied with the amount I will have done by 30.</span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>20. Attend Comic Con/BlizzCon/cons in general.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> We've attended </span><a href="http://mtac.net/" style="line-height: 16px;">MTAC</a><span style="line-height: 16px;">, </span><a href="http://geekmediaexpo.com/" style="line-height: 16px;">GMX</a><span style="line-height: 16px;">, and </span><a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2014/11/fly-away.html/" style="line-height: 16px;">Blizzcon</a><span style="line-height: 16px;">. We went back to Blizzcon this year and our honeymoon will be </span><a href="http://www.comic-con.org/" style="line-height: 16px;">SDCC</a><span style="line-height: 16px;">! I'm so excited! I'm calling this DONE!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img src="https://curiosityquills.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/SDCC-2012-logo-splash.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">We're gonna do it! We already have the money saved!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">(<a href="http://curiosityquills.com/">source</a>)</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;">21. </strong><strong style="line-height: 16px;">Start taking violin/voice lessons. </strong><span style="line-height: 16px;">I forgot how many of these require an actual monetary investment. I definitely still want to do it, but </span><i style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 16px;">damn </i><span style="line-height: 16px;">violins are expensive!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>22. Diet and exercise.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> As I may have mentioned a few times before, Husband and I keep pretty </span><a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2014/10/diet.html" style="line-height: 16px;">low carb</a><span style="line-height: 16px;">, plus I've done </span><a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2015/03/fitness.html" style="line-height: 16px;">P90X3</a><span style="line-height: 16px;"> once already, and I'm doing it again in the new year! Though I'm focusing on yoga and pilates X only because I feel like those will help with my stress and well as my fitness level. I definitely want to keep this up for... well, ever, but I'm calling it DONE!</span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>23. Become a cook.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> Also DONE! I'm always going to be learning new recipes, but I know my way around the kitchen and am comfortable just throwing things together and making it a meal.</span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>24. Work as an SLP.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> DONE! I've submitted my final forms to ASHA so I should have my CCCs come in any day now!</span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;">25. Pay down student loans.</strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> Yeah, this was naive. They won't be gone by 30, but I consistently pay (well over) the minimum, so they should be significantly reduced. And we'll see. Maybe we'll come across some random inheritance and I can just pay it off.</span><br /><b style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>26. </strike></b><b style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>Build up savings.</strike> </b><span style="line-height: 16px;">We've done really well with this! We have a ton saved (though a significant chunk will go toward paying taxes since mine are not auto-withdrawn) and no debt except student loans. Of course we'll be adding more debt in the form of a house and cars... but such is life. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>27. Tattoos!</strike> </strong><span style="line-height: 16px;">I'm planning to get another for my birthday and many more after that, but I have 6 now so I'm counting this done.</span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike><br /></strike></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>28. Gaming.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> I am playing more video games these days (Hello Xenogears, my old friend!), but I've really discovered a passion for table top gaming. We even have a weekly group! Plus a D&D campaign, and no more shelf space! So I'm calling this DONE.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy54Ti-rU09g4Z_7HMp9VJeAvcV1zv57O_myW359N7jnr-GXX2w5WYklC6eYaWkufPiArozANLwtuauxsPvTcatg8GvRVHN7MUjZg1yMRKG6f2RTHWoJQlrvXAfdKLySuHjWmXaOHSvhI/s1600/Games.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy54Ti-rU09g4Z_7HMp9VJeAvcV1zv57O_myW359N7jnr-GXX2w5WYklC6eYaWkufPiArozANLwtuauxsPvTcatg8GvRVHN7MUjZg1yMRKG6f2RTHWoJQlrvXAfdKLySuHjWmXaOHSvhI/s640/Games.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Our holiday haul!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><strike>29. Learn how to style myself.</strike></strong><span style="line-height: 16px;"> DONE! I took an online course about this while unemployed last year and even started a </span><a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/search/label/StyleMe" style="line-height: 16px;">blog feature</a><span style="line-height: 16px;"> around it.</span><br /><strong style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong style="line-height: 16px;">30. Cut my hair. </strong><span style="line-height: 16px;">Again, happening after the wedding. It'll either be pixie or, more likely, an undercut!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">Many of these won't be done until that 30th birthday (like paying down as much of my loans as I can) but I've only got 9 left! Hooray me! And some of them are resolutions for the new year, like no more renting, buying a new(er) car, writing a book, working out, and reading the Bible. So this time next year, I should be able to check off at least half of those remaining. Huzzah!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 16px;">You might have notice that even though many were done last time, I've continued with the activity so make sure you still read the little update paragraph for new info. What will you be working on this coming year?</span></div>
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Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-64238812077356377292015-12-28T17:49:00.001-06:002015-12-28T17:49:14.894-06:00Fall Fun<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Here are some random pics I took months ago to commemorate how pretty my yard looked in the fall!</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXzSpfgc92z1MoL7EyEbFHF0DwtbEtUn41sdbMnvPa_QNiAVWlDzJ8PmrKET3M-6DTzyfpqjyKip013rkIUVcb7iDDvy2qLF4yDqybjC7Up3N9XB410kQF3QBUCzWoaHuffRaJcZ9B3uo/s640/20151031_151626.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So pretty if not for all that pink!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Then the year kept getting continually worse and I never posted! So here they are for you to enjoy now!<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXzSpfgc92z1MoL7EyEbFHF0DwtbEtUn41sdbMnvPa_QNiAVWlDzJ8PmrKET3M-6DTzyfpqjyKip013rkIUVcb7iDDvy2qLF4yDqybjC7Up3N9XB410kQF3QBUCzWoaHuffRaJcZ9B3uo/s1600/20151031_151626.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL_HqE-jwsDXOccxALCyFjnv6i8x332a2H6UxdsoFnTEldHTel7QCkmFgblzfuypdUDfNiBSt804n9f68DqBOO9mpDUlFsWiLjGcJz-AAq5nkI05dzvrvcMA71bBEtgv48IUx3FACYv_E/s640/20151031_151633.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Although, to be fair, it's actually warmer than this now so it's still fall...</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL_HqE-jwsDXOccxALCyFjnv6i8x332a2H6UxdsoFnTEldHTel7QCkmFgblzfuypdUDfNiBSt804n9f68DqBOO9mpDUlFsWiLjGcJz-AAq5nkI05dzvrvcMA71bBEtgv48IUx3FACYv_E/s1600/20151031_151633.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-39508179281062198262015-11-13T19:06:00.001-06:002015-11-13T19:06:52.630-06:00Menstrual Cup!Have I mentioned I made the switch to THE CUP before? Because I totes did and it's TOTES AMAZING.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaYhgdTpHCg4NAmNP03jsVy6evF4yQPTh_ABqCyrVxCtIv03vPO6dZ60Qu7rGZrmlKsFvUyA77OzANY5L5ydZH1qwl-Hp-Z-vDWF9SPoypxh0-XeEAo20jjLDwnFGpcYSHuSTTmFUTHbM/s1600/diva-cup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaYhgdTpHCg4NAmNP03jsVy6evF4yQPTh_ABqCyrVxCtIv03vPO6dZ60Qu7rGZrmlKsFvUyA77OzANY5L5ydZH1qwl-Hp-Z-vDWF9SPoypxh0-XeEAo20jjLDwnFGpcYSHuSTTmFUTHbM/s400/diva-cup.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://alittleadrift.com/">source</a><br />My model</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I use a <a href="http://divacup.com/">Diva Cup</a> specifically but there are tons of versions (Dutchess Cup, Moon Cup, Lily Cup, etc.) including <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Instead-Hour-Feminine-Protection-Cup/dp/B0000533CC/">disposable ones</a>. They're comfortable, easy to use, environmentally friendly, cheap, and just all around the best. I highly recommend them. PLUS! They're <i style="font-weight: bold;">feminist!</i> <div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw_13hFAEi3AIjTXU7-iOfJlP30r4KR-tg57M52rKXoJQYT4D2C5Q70JOdTVXNinXjWbefjKK_346fxWuxBTJxLdNnGIxkQXVpTSCO3bHCcqF_TsR-QDwJwz5VTvyyM9GJ2so4LkqsHvI/s1600/Feminist+cup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="285" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw_13hFAEi3AIjTXU7-iOfJlP30r4KR-tg57M52rKXoJQYT4D2C5Q70JOdTVXNinXjWbefjKK_346fxWuxBTJxLdNnGIxkQXVpTSCO3bHCcqF_TsR-QDwJwz5VTvyyM9GJ2so4LkqsHvI/s400/Feminist+cup.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here's the <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2015/06/menstrual_cups_are_a_feminist_issue_they_re_healthy_eco_friendly_and_good.html">article</a> all about it!</td></tr>
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Feel free to ask me questions about it, I don't believe in <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/kiran-gandhi-marathon-tampon-period-shaming_55c89e2fe4b0f73b20b9cf6e">period</a> <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-khona/why-i-think-kiran-gandhi-total-badass_b_8088154.html">shaming</a> (it's <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/famous-women-get-real-about-menstruation-to-combat-period-shaming-thinx-documentary_5643942ae4b06037734761ee">the</a> <a href="http://www.adweek.com/adfreak/fat-and-period-shaming-collide-easily-years-most-offensive-ad-aimed-women-166793">worst</a>) and I'm glad to evangilize about products and causes I believe in. One thing I'll go ahead and volunteer in that I personally prefer the tulip fold. I think it works waaaaaaay better. <div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQVUQoDboR0mA1O8AlGa8AL9QnBIngsGPO0MMpZyADWyKx0Ve48ojHZFfP7ZJv-Toc7hXavnVxcNyujaT3f51Ry3_1JR8sQSXa4RRJ2-j6VdDtaCXRWO84ZWpUlSJyEBxPOREWA6LbnTc/s1600/diva-cup-folding-options.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="286" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQVUQoDboR0mA1O8AlGa8AL9QnBIngsGPO0MMpZyADWyKx0Ve48ojHZFfP7ZJv-Toc7hXavnVxcNyujaT3f51Ry3_1JR8sQSXa4RRJ2-j6VdDtaCXRWO84ZWpUlSJyEBxPOREWA6LbnTc/s640/diva-cup-folding-options.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.dianekazer.com/">source</a><br />Also know as the "push down" or "triangle" fold.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Fun fact, I thought of this today because I found myself unexpectedly period-y (a week early, hooray!) so I had to rely on emergency tampons instead of the cup. IT SUCKED. Don't get me wrong, I used tampons for years before I bought the cup and liked them fine. But the cup is so much easier and more comfortable that it was really upsetting to have to switch back. <div>
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So, questions? Comments? Freak-outs because you falsely believe periods are a taboo topic? Let me hear it!<br /><div>
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Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-24879990808925765342015-10-27T18:54:00.004-05:002015-10-27T18:54:44.218-05:00Costume<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Someone's ready for All Hallow's Eve!</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6_avjtqEsOJQkflnHfHRRQkIdWB_MvFC4csCwKU0fahWenicxpABzogPUf1BA_9HDl8klu2Ra5Rf_fz4XeLDWA_UGU6hhaHTf8jnf5Wa4ZByPG-OegrllxDi_Xgc51-OyvqqUq-d5r3o/s640/20151027_183203.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And guess what I'ma be?</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6_avjtqEsOJQkflnHfHRRQkIdWB_MvFC4csCwKU0fahWenicxpABzogPUf1BA_9HDl8klu2Ra5Rf_fz4XeLDWA_UGU6hhaHTf8jnf5Wa4ZByPG-OegrllxDi_Xgc51-OyvqqUq-d5r3o/s1600/20151027_183203.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-47303258786410792472015-10-25T20:55:00.002-05:002015-10-25T20:55:22.979-05:00Candy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
We took a random, spur-of-the-moment shopping trip to get Halloween supplies.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXS0KBm39dPBaxZZiM-x-3bQ0MbDrEyA56wRMYtFnCR6QZfIXkz2wl-gSP-2jPKRbhS2oOipHgyuWl4YHP7gs1eIb-wTOfODce1Se-4nKi9FwyafQQPH6Kyl6FvHIGEDmlZwsJEGnSp9c/s640/20151025_201505.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not for us, no, for Halloween!</td></tr>
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The most important of which is obviously candy!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXS0KBm39dPBaxZZiM-x-3bQ0MbDrEyA56wRMYtFnCR6QZfIXkz2wl-gSP-2jPKRbhS2oOipHgyuWl4YHP7gs1eIb-wTOfODce1Se-4nKi9FwyafQQPH6Kyl6FvHIGEDmlZwsJEGnSp9c/s1600/20151025_201505.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-37852385464125729742015-10-24T09:10:00.002-05:002015-10-24T09:10:39.857-05:0030 Before 30 - Check in #2Here's my <a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2014/08/30-before-30-original.html">original list</a>, and my last <a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2014/08/30-before-30-check-in.html">check in</a>! As I creep every closer to birthday #28, let's see how things are coming along!<br />
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<ol style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.7273px; line-height: 16px; margin: 10px 0px 10px 5px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 10px;">
<li><strong>Get married. </strong>As I've mentioned before, this is done! Although I still haven't had a wedding, it is now planned for next April, so I still hit it before the 30 mark. We have reserved a venue and a photographer and everything!</li>
<li><strong>Have a kid.</strong> We want to wait til after the wedding, mostly because I already have a dress that I definitely wouldn't fit into preggo, but also because I plan on switching jobs/moving after the spring semester and it'd be nice to be settled a little before bringing a little one around. Nevertheless, I'm confident we'll hit this goal.</li>
<li><strong>Sell my crafts.</strong> Didn't I mention the last time about how I sold a cake? I'm calling this one DONE, although I will always continue to craft (and therefore hopefully continue to sell to some small degree).</li>
<li><strong>Learn to sew.</strong> I've repaired some things myself, but this is going on the list for winter break. Gonna watch some youtube lessons.</li>
<li><strong>Learn more about my car.</strong> I actually feel pretty good about this and am calling it DONE... for my current vehicle. I've gotten several diagnoses correct in the past and know how to check all the fluid levels (and replenish them), etc. Plus, Husband is a good back-up in this area. </li>
<li><strong>Own a newer car.</strong> Another reason we're waiting a little bit on kids. I definitely want something safer/more reliable before I start carting around an infant in it. My next car will be my kids' car so I'm planning according. Hopefully I can do this sometime in 2016. WE HAVE A PLAN I SWEAR!</li>
<li><strong>Stop renting.</strong> I mean, we're not I<i> technically</i> renting even now, but we also don't own the place. This is another one I'd like to check off before having kids (though not necessarily before getting pregnant) so we're looking at 2016 sometime for home-ownership also. It'll all depend on how the job situation plays out. Once I get my CCCs in January, I anticipate (and really hope) that a lot of this will get a little easier to pull together. </li>
<li><strong>Get a pet (or pets).</strong> We now have a Moose and an Echo! DONE!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmgxoQMX_lxGnJyVHH7W30YCL51qKuKA1NYhJLlDeURKkHok9ctG95qR3jTGoVzFilEOXBf4jWXYwTOqC-025SMWqDlepIQqGVwmvYa59auH4HRi99YVoxRHtxcHt1fGI0iSLBAUfXxgc/s1600/Cuddle+pets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmgxoQMX_lxGnJyVHH7W30YCL51qKuKA1NYhJLlDeURKkHok9ctG95qR3jTGoVzFilEOXBf4jWXYwTOqC-025SMWqDlepIQqGVwmvYa59auH4HRi99YVoxRHtxcHt1fGI0iSLBAUfXxgc/s320/Cuddle+pets.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look how good they are!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</li>
<li><strong>Blog. </strong>CHECK! DONE! I know I'm not super consistent, but I always come back eventually!</li>
<li><strong>Keep a journal regularly.</strong> Much like the blog, I'm not super consistent, but I am doing it!</li>
<li><strong>Write every day.</strong> I'm hoping to do <a href="http://nanowrimo.org/">NaNoWriMo</a> this year, but given my recent mental health problems, that might be putting too much stress on myself. Still, I definitely write some every day, so although the goal is sort of a life-long ongoing thing, I'm checking it off as DONE.</li>
<li><strong>Finish a book.</strong> NaNoWriMo! It doesn't have to be good, it just has to be done! I might postpone until next year, but if we're buying a house/car or having a kid, I doubt things will be less hectic so I'm going to take a stab at it this time and see what happens.</li>
<li><strong>Read the Bible.</strong> Kinda forgot... hello resolution 2016! Lots of lists out there for getting it done in year!</li>
<li><strong>Create art.</strong> Definitely still leaning toward painting, but I might need to call this one off. I have so much going on, and honestly, if I never do it, I think I'd be fine with that. Of course, I could also do one of those paint and wine nights!</li>
<li><strong>Start a bonsai.</strong> I started a <a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2015/08/gardening-part-2.html">vegetable garden</a> this year, that counts, right? SIGH, I'll do it. </li>
<li><strong>Get close to someone.</strong> Making some progress. The first step, and one I've really been making an effort on lately, is to be a better friend myself. Reach out to the people that matter to me. We're getting there!</li>
<li><strong>Let go.</strong> Another one that is really an ongoing, life-long thing, but I'm making progress! I'm probably/hopefully going to start seeing a therapist because while I'm made a lot of progress with my anger, I've recently realized that <a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2015/10/here-we-are-again.html">my anxiety just seems to be getting worse</a>. And that's probably not something I can fix on my own, and something I need to address (yet again!) before I have any rugrats.</li>
<li><strong><strike>Get my Associate’s Degree in ASL.</strike></strong> <b>Take a course in ASL.</b> I said before that an actual degree is probably out of reach by 30 with everything else I've got going on, but I'd still like to learn a little. </li>
<li><strong>Travel.</strong> We're planning on Hawaii in the next couple of years, and I'm getting my passport this winter (since I weirdly have to take a passport photo as part of my professional license application). And we've been back to SoCal a few times!</li>
<li><strong>Attend Comic Con/BlizzCon/cons in general.</strong> We've attended <a href="http://mtac.net/">MTAC</a>, <a href="http://geekmediaexpo.com/">GMX</a>, and <a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2014/11/fly-away.html/">Blizzcon</a>. We're going back to Blizzcon this year (though I'll mostly just be hanging at the pool) and our honeymoon will be <a href="http://www.comic-con.org/">SDCC</a>! I'm so excited! I'm calling this DONE!</li>
<li><strong>Start taking violin/voice lessons. </strong>I forgot how many of these require an actual monetary investment. I definitely still want to do it, but <i style="font-weight: bold;">damn </i>violins are expensive!</li>
<li><strong>Diet and exercise.</strong> As I may have mentioned a few times before, Husband and I keep pretty <a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2014/10/diet.html">low carb</a>, plus I've done <a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2015/03/fitness.html">P90X3</a> once already, and I've started back up recently! Though I'm focusing on yoga and pilates X only because I feel like those will help with my stress and well as my fitness level. I definitely want to keep this up for... well, ever, but I'm calling it DONE!</li>
<li><strong>Become a cook.</strong> Also DONE! I'm always going to be learning new recipes, but I know my way around the kitchen and am comfortable just throwing things together and making it a meal.</li>
<li><strong>Work as an SLP.</strong> DONE! Double done come January and I'm doing it with full CCCs instead of a CF.</li>
<li><strong>Pay <strike>off </strike> more down student loans.</strong> Yeah, this was naive. They won't be gone by 30, but I consistently pay (well over) the minimum, so they should be significantly reduced. And we'll see. Maybe we'll come across some random inheritance and I can just pay it off.</li>
<li><strong><strike>Take Dave Ramsey’s financial peace course.</strike></strong> Turns out Dave is <a href="http://benirwin.me/2013/12/03/20-things-the-poor-do-every-day/">kind of a douche</a>. This has been adjusted to "build up savings" and we're making pretty good progress there!</li>
<li><strong>Tattoos! </strong>I'm waiting til after the wedding, but it is SO ON. </li>
<li><strong>Gaming.</strong> I am playing more video games these days, but I've really discovered a passion for table top gaming. We even have a weekly group! So I'm calling this DONE.</li>
<li><strong>Learn how to style myself.</strong> DONE! I took an online course about this while unemployed last year and even started a <a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/search/label/StyleMe">blog feature</a> around it.</li>
<li><strong>Cut my hair. </strong>Again, so happening after the wedding. It'll either be pixie or, more likely, an undercut!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdMD-C-9PFGxV8yh2l0hTxE-Qk4sooYVuI5OlrSqjfgLg24khbA_rQdSkW_nGl7z0XlPJ3hmygadHecn_Zlky8ykb42PnHa-7rmJSB0oBFC0IGYVhvqTU_Ysxfkd-57eOeFei6J66oPIc/s1600/long-wavy-undercut-hair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdMD-C-9PFGxV8yh2l0hTxE-Qk4sooYVuI5OlrSqjfgLg24khbA_rQdSkW_nGl7z0XlPJ3hmygadHecn_Zlky8ykb42PnHa-7rmJSB0oBFC0IGYVhvqTU_Ysxfkd-57eOeFei6J66oPIc/s320/long-wavy-undercut-hair.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://strayhair.com/">source</a><br />Something like this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</li>
</ol>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-19531897591436909552015-10-22T19:41:00.002-05:002015-10-22T19:41:50.977-05:00New Garden<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
When the cold snap happened near the beginning of the month, all of our stuff started blooming again. We have TONS of tomatoes and habaneros now. Plus this!</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5c1AMqldb7K8y02Sf3vArDhbjMp7cMtS7zkKNelvZL7JedcODI01WTALT3SJIG1L8AVxronEpeVZJf-QDa_JZgb-Dq3Hzs_BwFWXfxV7tYwh4h8BknUTQ26YmWAPWzVIwmHY1DEBK5EM/s640/20151013_153245.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Roses!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Our third rose plant finally bloomed! It's pretty and orange-y! Definitely my favorite.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5c1AMqldb7K8y02Sf3vArDhbjMp7cMtS7zkKNelvZL7JedcODI01WTALT3SJIG1L8AVxronEpeVZJf-QDa_JZgb-Dq3Hzs_BwFWXfxV7tYwh4h8BknUTQ26YmWAPWzVIwmHY1DEBK5EM/s1600/20151013_153245.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-46013297652273832342015-10-21T19:17:00.001-05:002015-10-21T19:17:16.095-05:00C(reamer)3PO<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Did you know this is a thing?</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2Gr5ZrvW3NYlaXrWCNizLZu0IMHvZ1XDG8_LqeMLmEniLx2Yktsz4Mta6AQEnMvhp_CmxZ0RYFK06bKyG2oj-d4sMsqo-fjIitxjr67Bqgtu-zPaJPdXMmVYTiBgmc4_506Y4KioZQO4/s640/20151021_080727.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Apparently it is!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I need to find the others, although this is my favorite flavor!<br />
I want to find the others<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2Gr5ZrvW3NYlaXrWCNizLZu0IMHvZ1XDG8_LqeMLmEniLx2Yktsz4Mta6AQEnMvhp_CmxZ0RYFK06bKyG2oj-d4sMsqo-fjIitxjr67Bqgtu-zPaJPdXMmVYTiBgmc4_506Y4KioZQO4/s1600/20151021_080727.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-16312811258670584562015-10-20T20:11:00.002-05:002015-10-20T20:14:36.683-05:00Tea<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I got a new tea cup! I mean, I did it a while ago, but remember? How I've been <a href="http://counterclockwisdom.blogspot.com/2015/10/here-we-are-again.html">ill and not posting</a>? So yeah...</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitvW-VHmVkyAfsSz0oByfuGBcjJxBndi2inrq1EndHhPdDoUQSrWCUymv5FR6UB1xuWLQPvR1a6VO7-0luEQkNdJdEEt0cGLZFx6RDh7dIHtSOtgjDQ6P8JNS1oMOLYbCLNUJeP6wONLo/s640/20150927_135715.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Isn't it pretty?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Just in time for cozy autumn tea adventures!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitvW-VHmVkyAfsSz0oByfuGBcjJxBndi2inrq1EndHhPdDoUQSrWCUymv5FR6UB1xuWLQPvR1a6VO7-0luEQkNdJdEEt0cGLZFx6RDh7dIHtSOtgjDQ6P8JNS1oMOLYbCLNUJeP6wONLo/s1600/20150927_135715.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a> </div>
Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-53359911736158934632015-10-19T19:19:00.001-05:002015-10-19T19:19:03.447-05:00Here We Are AgainWith me apologizing for abandoning you and also suffering from seasonal anxiety/depression! Remember when I talked about this before? I swear I did last year but I can't find it either! The point is, changing light in Fall and Spring can exacerbate/trigger mental health issues. And I'm susceptible! I've been struggling to keep my head above water and just could not handle blogging in addition. The silly/annoying part is that things in my life have actually been going really well.<br />
<br />
Didn't stop me from waking up to a panic attack this morning.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAWX-ShndLDyy3ysTTekky1rmvGuiJbDG-6vgXF9TRGXF1HgI_Zg2YkCNMiZWnvjpjKwfvCSCPugP8n6QTV8v1dnW1ez12dhAAPviLZjuU2R8Y7v7LsomcMTEYi4enm67xtjhK2hW9nlM/s1600/autumn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAWX-ShndLDyy3ysTTekky1rmvGuiJbDG-6vgXF9TRGXF1HgI_Zg2YkCNMiZWnvjpjKwfvCSCPugP8n6QTV8v1dnW1ez12dhAAPviLZjuU2R8Y7v7LsomcMTEYi4enm67xtjhK2hW9nlM/s400/autumn.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://fanpop.com/">source</a><br />Thank Fall, you dick.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I spent 2 years of my life with a man who constantly told me that nothing about me was good enough and that I was a loser who would never get anywhere, followed by 2 years in grad school under constant pressure to meet deadlines and improve. I think it's safe to say those experiences scarred me.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRbzLZFIKbx6HC2SIAj5tnJLWshyX-tTklb7SqOD1BunG6j-hiKYCxHq3Sd55OB_XIU-Z28XmpqFovvTuGkn5VARhQTPW2XSDvZ4iOwkIsGQlZzFyInURzlawUHkSpQYs4y05w5dcQDug/s1600/gradschool.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRbzLZFIKbx6HC2SIAj5tnJLWshyX-tTklb7SqOD1BunG6j-hiKYCxHq3Sd55OB_XIU-Z28XmpqFovvTuGkn5VARhQTPW2XSDvZ4iOwkIsGQlZzFyInURzlawUHkSpQYs4y05w5dcQDug/s320/gradschool.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Right?!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Now I'm at a point in my life where I'm pretty much exactly where I want to be. I've got a good job, in another couple of months I'll have my CCCs, a few months after that I'll have a wedding (for which we officially have a wedding party, venue, photographer, and dress!), my husband is amazing and we're easily financial stable enough that the near future holds the possibility for home ownership and children. I want for nothing.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinAJTj1O46injEXAJLsGkk0VpiYBNdVuQdtY6n2dE0ZwZbzBuCe_bt41HDniIzqYrYKZuvXmHU45Idhnc1w1Ha6fEgmeUIqhty3mKEPE85VcSk2Mhak2TLTWTnj22KOJvTloFvqfDBkFY/s1600/no+idea.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinAJTj1O46injEXAJLsGkk0VpiYBNdVuQdtY6n2dE0ZwZbzBuCe_bt41HDniIzqYrYKZuvXmHU45Idhnc1w1Ha6fEgmeUIqhty3mKEPE85VcSk2Mhak2TLTWTnj22KOJvTloFvqfDBkFY/s320/no+idea.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://startupbros.com/">source</a><br />And yet...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I still spend most of my time anxious that I should be doing something else, or that what I am doing, I should be doing better. I read an article today about "<a href="http://hellogiggles.com/fraud-police/">impostor syndrome</a>," or the difficulty many people (particularly 20 somethings) have with feeling as though they are perpetuating a fraud by achieving success. I'd guess that's part of my problem. Am I really here? Am I really done? I mean, I know there are still more things I want out of life, but at this point there are no barriers to me achieving them beyond the passage of time.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGGIDfE2t-jWOjfYqesbtYctZaxbX6H_WOG2o1y3ZPYPac-forzMDAt6O23gMbbUFgxgpgGfGo-gt4BkYBCJL0i0Tbgn1hQylD_ho2q9xjjX6g8Qmmk_QYJFEIj_MLNDxCmr4smiRR0_c/s1600/good+enough.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGGIDfE2t-jWOjfYqesbtYctZaxbX6H_WOG2o1y3ZPYPac-forzMDAt6O23gMbbUFgxgpgGfGo-gt4BkYBCJL0i0Tbgn1hQylD_ho2q9xjjX6g8Qmmk_QYJFEIj_MLNDxCmr4smiRR0_c/s320/good+enough.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://linkedin.com/">source</a><br />It's really crippling to constantly be asking this question and not know the answer.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So I'm making an effort to be at peace with the part of my life I'm currently experiencing. I know, isn't it ridiculous I should need to make peace with having a successful career, loving husband, and the world's cutest pets?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEvkhwHPTXF43BsRrncHU8I9GAGQSPHq_WedJCLH30NpmimXjpl4fnXrdHfnLKhmwU87XLfim6qspvK0v89fSI5Vio1ABEWQIVIkB_UP-JCyjtzO_LdKVyk9SehL9xq2AtS2uBTw9pnac/s1600/pets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEvkhwHPTXF43BsRrncHU8I9GAGQSPHq_WedJCLH30NpmimXjpl4fnXrdHfnLKhmwU87XLfim6qspvK0v89fSI5Vio1ABEWQIVIkB_UP-JCyjtzO_LdKVyk9SehL9xq2AtS2uBTw9pnac/s320/pets.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Nevertheless, here I am. Daily yoga to relax and focus on myself, plus the exercise in general will do me good, in addition to meditation, lots of hot tea, and cuddles with my family. Take with a variety of television comedies/Marvel films for best results!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFdQcBWeDCBtXhvxqTVpnTjbIFsl4sUtfFrYNh9O34u9Sj_TIZi1MfxauIGMmfNpfwNkCS12SQV99FOM7bKCbaEtKZbGC5GB_F4cZsW_Bt6jn-5glHMcAGc6uOfxwmvn5VjkyRmRiVUSc/s1600/captain-america-chris-evans.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFdQcBWeDCBtXhvxqTVpnTjbIFsl4sUtfFrYNh9O34u9Sj_TIZi1MfxauIGMmfNpfwNkCS12SQV99FOM7bKCbaEtKZbGC5GB_F4cZsW_Bt6jn-5glHMcAGc6uOfxwmvn5VjkyRmRiVUSc/s400/captain-america-chris-evans.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://forums.marvelheroes.com/">source</a><br />Seriously, who can be sad when looking at that guy?</td></tr>
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<br />Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1774745924153273933.post-78900873767942256122015-09-06T12:12:00.002-05:002015-09-06T12:12:35.044-05:00Kona CoffeeToday, this is making me smile BIG TIME.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1LhQdC26J-RlzyAzl1_vGfgSQh4Csc-_5o2JiCOg3g8HUHJWwqlwa8iS2S_nQUMvmCb1QFjXLTjhaN1bq4RoyAcYcaWJis6Yea4yczyKA5zttLBYSr0ae8KT0ZSTyzliYRrnjE9-SnYE/s1600/Hawaiian.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="283" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1LhQdC26J-RlzyAzl1_vGfgSQh4Csc-_5o2JiCOg3g8HUHJWwqlwa8iS2S_nQUMvmCb1QFjXLTjhaN1bq4RoyAcYcaWJis6Yea4yczyKA5zttLBYSr0ae8KT0ZSTyzliYRrnjE9-SnYE/s400/Hawaiian.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hawaiian" is code for Kona.</td></tr>
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I've really become a bit of a coffee fanatic. I still doctor it before drinking, but I love it so much! And this one in particular makes me think about the islands which adds extra Smile-points!<br /><br />Cyn-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04117655029130917893noreply@blogger.com0