I thought I'd have good hair

 I thought by the time I was 30 I’d have more of life figured out. Not all of it by any stretch, but something, anything I didn’t think you could be a grownup and still not know what you wanted to be.

And I thought I’d have better hair.

I have curls. I’ve been working on a way to get the curls healthy, shiny, and frizz-free for more than 20 years. But no, nothing. It’s as bad as when they first showed up. Hundreds of hours of research and dozens of different products and techniques tested over the years. Honey, I even learned to cut and color. I know a lot about hair, just not what to do about mine.

And if that ain’t the whole damn thing right there.

I spent a lot of time in education on both sides. Got a graduate degree and then worked in education for - until now when I still am. And after so many years I’ve realized I hate it. I’ve realized I hate myself. So I decided to work on it. Spent two years in therapy with a therapist I loved. We tried and tried to find something else I’d like and be good at. I discovered that what I “like” is helping other people do their jobs better. I like being a mentor. So there it is: I can’t figure out how to help myself but in my quest to figure it out I’ve learned a lot about helping other people. It’s the lost guiding the lost and I can see your exit clearly but the light’s turned off by mine. 

I just want to be better. I just want to be able to clean my house and put my laundry away and engage with my daughter and do the fun things that I always plan to do and wash my freaking hair! I met with a psychologist recently to get evaluated for ADHD. Again, lots of research and reading and the armchair assessment of people with the diagnosis led me to believe that’s what’s going on with me. It explains so much about my life. Every time I hear someone else talk about how their ADHD has affected their life, every time, it was like a lightbulb moment. That’s me! That’s exactly what I’ve experienced my whole life! But then I finally got a chance to do something about it. The psych had completely forgotten why I made the appointment. She seemed shocked and baffled that I wanted to talk about ADHD and her version of assessing me was to run down the list of DSM V symptoms (terrible diagnostic tool btw). She told me that I had “just barely enough” of the symptoms to say I have ADHD. 

Honestly, I knew I shouldn’t but I had pinned a lot of hopes on that appointment. I thought I’d get validation and maybe even help (medication) and I could get back on track to doing something, to finding my path. Instead, she made me feel like I was faking it, like I was just making excuses. Turns out I’m just lazy and stupid and that’s why I can’t get anything done, oops! I’ve been working so hard to keep track of all our daily tasks and trying to still do things to feed my soul and it turns out the only reason I’m failing is because I’m just a failure! And there’s nothing to be done about that. After all, I’ve spent decades trying to figure out my hair with no progress. 

I just really thought I’d have good hair by now. 

Lost Girl

I talk a good game, but it's honestly all horse shit.

I'm still in therapy and my therapist recently semi-retired. So I'm seeing someone new. New person and I were talking last week about healthy ways to handle my emotional reactions as I was concerned with telling the difference between when my anger was justified and useful versus when it was not. After about the fourth time I expressed concern that I often overreact, the therapist said "You keep saying overreact but your feelings are real. What made you think you're always overreacting?" 

But let's back up a little bit more. After several of the people in my life who have ADHD kept half jokingly commenting that it seems like I have it, I investigated. It presents a lot differently in women and I found a support group specific to the ways it can impact motherhood. Literally every single post, every single listed side-effect, symptom, and story I identified with. They described me and my experience perfectly. I had just gotten really, really good at masking. I also discovered that a really common, arguably defining characteristic of ADHD is something called rejection sensitive dysphoria, or RSD. This basically means that people with ADHD can have extreme reactions to real or perceived rejection - which includes criticism. 

*(I do not have an official diagnosis of ADHD from an MD as the cost and time factors are currently prohibitive. Several people who have extensive first hand and professional experience with ADHD agree with my self-diagnosis so I call that good enough for now. If you are going to shit on me in the comments for this, save us both some time and just tattoo "I'm a classist, ableist tool" on your forehead.)

After my therapist asked why I think I'm always overreacting, I thought back to when that started. I was humiliated that tears started to well up. Before long, I was full on sobbing and I didn't fully understand why. Pretty much everyone important in my life has commented at one point or another that I'm overreacting and it happened so much that I cannot recall a time when that wasn't part of my identity: Cyn is too sensitive. And so I started self-editing to an extreme degree. I was texting with a friend recently and made a typo that she didn't even notice. But I spotted it a couple of minutes later, so I sent a correction. I mentioned that I'm constantly editing messages even after I've sent them. She said something like "haha, same." But it's not. Because I mean constantly. I will read messages from weeks ago and think about how I could have written them better. I'm constantly rereading and touching up blog posts here from years back. And I do the same thing in my head. Impulsiveness is one of the symptoms of ADHD I "don't" have because I am monitoring myself almost literally every second. I don't blurt things out, I don't get into arguments, I don't communicate honestly. I spend a ridiculous amount of time mentally reviewing so that I communicate clearly and I still can't get it right. I can spend hours drafting a single message about and emotionally fraught situation only to never send it. I don't tell people if I'm upset, I don't react to offensive comments. Because I'm probably just overreacting. Almost everything about the way I interact and communicate with others is carefully curated because I don't want to come across as too sensitive and create a conflict. I'm well known for being able to hear huge news without giving anything away because I have such tight control over my reactions. (ex: A friend messaged me he was going to propose while I was talking to their partner and I did not react. Also found out I was pregnant and gave nothing away in a house full of 5 other people.) It's so extreme that someone can directly insult me and I will talk myself out of responding or ever addressing it because I don't want to cause "drama." And experience has taught me that's what it will be. I don't have any experience with people having my back in those scenarios where I did express myself, so I don't anymore (except sometimes here). This is also why I was humiliated that I started to cry during therapy. Therapy! The one place where you're kind of expected to cry! Because I wasn't in control of my reaction and I didn't want to seem crazy or overly sensitive to something that wasn't a big deal - which is what I generally believe others are thinking. Add to all that my recent discovery of RSD as a function of my ADHD and I've become even more convinced that I cannot trust my own mind. And remember that I have a TBI which caused actual amnesia and a smattering of mental health diagnoses all of which affect perception and memory. 

Do you have any idea how disorienting that can be? To not feel like you're able to trust anything you think, feel, or remember? It seems like I'm completely disconnected from reality or at least from the one everyone else experiences. I am constantly watching others intensely to see their reactions so I can gauge if I'm reacting and interacting in an acceptable manner. Because otherwise I can't tell. 

It really sent me spinning because my entire reality and personality are built around how others react to me. I am totally dependent on it. So for the second time in two years, I am experiencing a massive existential crisis because I don't have any idea who I am independent of those factors. What would I like, what would I be interested in, what would I be passionate about if I wasn't constantly looking to others to validate reality for me? Is there anyway to even know? People will say it's unhealthy to compare yourself to others and/or that you can't rely on others to tell you who you are. But I honestly have no other idea how to figure it out. And to some degree, you have to look to others. Right? There are some times, arguably even a lot of them, when for better or worse other people's opinions do matter. We are social creatures and we depend on that structure to survive. If we don't fit, we don't survive, so we make ourselves fit in order to survive. 

The short version is that I've been talking to experts for 2 years now and I still hate myself, I'm still unhappy, I still don't trust myself or anyone around me, and I still have no idea who I even am. How can I hate myself when I don't have an identity? I'm really good at being the worst, I guess. 

And I have no idea where to go from here. How do you build a person from scratch when they are already in their 30s? How do I turn of the constant filter to figure out what appeals to me and not just what seems to fit best with the people around me at any given moment? Seriously, where do I go from here?

Epidermal Healing

I promised this a while ago and as usual, life (depression) got in the way. I was feeling a LOT better for a while and was busy living my best life while on that high. Then a series of seemingly small if troubling events and a certain book I've been reading sent me into a minor existential crisis so that I alternatively didn't feel up to posting. It's a bizarre story for another time. I'm trying not to wallow.

So let's talk about some skin care! I have previously mentioned my quest - a word I'm using frequently lately - to take better care of my skin. I've been complimented regularly on my skin most of my life for how soft and smooth it is naturally. Not trying to brag, just setting expectations: I started with pretty good conditions and I don't want other people to expect that my routine will grant the same results to others who are starting in a different place. My basic idea was that I was too lazy/untalented to figure out a decent makeup routine that I'd be willing and able to use regularly, so I best take decent care of my canvas. I'm not the woman who's going to get up an extra 30 minutes or more to "put on my face" but a series of goops I can slap on in under 5? I'm game. Plus as I'm getting older, if I expect my body in general and skin specifically to hold up I'd better start taking care of it.

Before we dive into the specifics of what I use and how, I do want to take a moment to talk about the so-called natural beauty movement. There seems to be the air of competition around natural beauty versus makeup beauty. The idea being that natural beauty is somehow more desirable or even according to some, more moral. Let's not kid ourselves. Achieving flawless skin purely through the use of toners/serums/moisturizers/etc. is NOT accessible to many people and is also NOT any less vain than putting on a full face of makeup. That is to say, neither are vanity in-and-of-themselves. People are allowed to do whatever they want to feel confident and self-possessed, whether that means makeup, "natural" beauty, or something else. Specifically, let's acknowledge right now that "natural" beauty is far from natural. Steam facials, expensive serums, eyebrow microblading, and more are not things that occur naturally. Nor are they inexpensive or widely available to all people. If that is how you choose to achieve your look and spend your money, that's your business. But don't pretend you have moral superiority to people who choose makeup which is often more accessible and more successful for a lot of people - such as those who have scarring or a variety of skin conditions that can't be remedied with double cleansing. It's also worth pointing out that about 5 months into my skin care journey, I did become interested in makeup and have started using both. And I love it. So move along if you want to preach the gospel of moisturizer over foundation. One isn't better than the other and they aren't mutually exclusive. 

I started in January of this year, using various gift giving events around that time to accumulate some of my supplies. I subscribe to the Korean skin care regimen, which is a set of steps and not products. To be precise, 10 steps, though you don't use all 10 every time or even every day.

Gifts!

More gifts!

Got a kitty headband, some masks, acne patches

Moisturizers, cleansers, eye treatment.

The only makeup I bought early on was the under eye concealer from Maybelline.

Those hairbands are specifically for curly hair.
My hair is still too short for me to know if I like them.

My stash! I keep it in two separate bathrooms because one sink doesn't work right now.
This house, people, it's a problem.

The washables in the bathroom with a working sink. Wooo!

1. Oil-based cleanser. 
I use my oil-based cleansers typically at night only, but this really depends on the person. Their purpose is to remove the dirt of the day. Sweat, makeup, and your morning goops! I don't use my oil-cleanser every day as I can be prone to acne, but usually only on days when I wore makeup or did a lot of sweating. If you have acne prone skin, there are oil-based cleansers and alternatives (such as micellar water) so you don't exacerbate the issue.

The Face Shop Natural Rice Water Light Cleansing Oil

This in particular requires a cotton pad to assist with makeup removal or similar. I recently switched to a Konjac sponge so I wouldn't be throwing so much away. Technically it can be used with just fingers but I don't find that terribly effective for makeup removal specifically. If you're just looking to wash of the day, fingers work fine. 

2. Water-based/foaming cleanser

This removes the oil cleanser! It sounds a little silly, but that is part of it's purpose. It also helps to remove the last vestiges of makeup, sweat, and your other skin care products. They have to be washed off and reapplied so your skin has a chance to breathe. 

Hada Labo Gentle Hydrating Cleanser

I used a brush for this one and use it both morning and night. It's also made with hyaloronic acid to assist your skin with retaining moisture. This stuff seriously feels amazing! There's a reason it's the top seller in Japan. You may not use an oil cleanser depending on your skin and needs, but I highly recommend one like this for everyone. I do sometimes skip mornings if I don't have much going on that I need to wash off. 

3. Exfoliate

This is a step that's very different from the way we have typically exfoliated in the western world. Asian beauty and increasingly western beauty call for chemical exfoliation rather than physical exfoliants (which often cause micro tears in the skin that can actually accelerate the aging process over time). AHAs and BHAs are the most common types and are BONUS! a good treatment for acne. BHA is good for more sensitive skin, AHA for more serious acne.

Cosrx Natural BHA Skin Returning A-Sol

I use this once a day ever second or third day with a cotton swap as you see. I focus on my T-zone and then lightly sweep over the rest of my face. Then I let it sit for about 5 minutes while I brush my teeth, lotion my body, or start dressing. My skin starts to feel a bit tight by the time I'm ready for the next step. 

4. Toner

This step is intended to balance your skin's pH and ready it to accept moisturizer. Often Asian toners are called hydrating lotions as something to keep in mind when shopping. This is a super important step. 

Hada Labo Gokujyun Hyaloronic Lotion Moist

This is my all time favorite of my new products. It looks like water but it feel MIRACULOUS going on. How can something so thin feel so rich on your skin? But it does. Literally magic. 

5. Essences

Sort of a halfway point between toner and serum, these help with hydration (sort of the ultimate goal of all of this is well hydrated skin since that's virtually synonymous with healthy, pretty skin) and skin repair. I don't technically use any but fermented essences are common. I use an ampoule though, which is similar but more targeted as discussed in the next step. 

Mizon Snail Repair Intensive Ampoule

Cosrx and Snail Bee also have other excellent option for snail essence. Snail mucin, as the name of this product implies, is good for repair for things like acne scars, redness, and hyperpigmentation. I have also considered adding a fermented essence which is supposed to give you "honey skin," or skin that looks super dewy and glowy. I use my ampoule twice a day every day. The neat thing about essences and treatments is that you can have several of each type and plug them in and out of your routine depending on the issues you want to address on any given day. 

6. Treaments

These are more targeted products and this category includes ampoules, serums, etc. They often contain single ingredients or near to it in order to address specific concerns. Vitamin C, nianicimide, and snail mucin are common. 

Cosrx Acne Pimple Master Patch 

This is what I consider my treatment step (though as discussed above technically my ampoule would also fall in this category). I actually put it on before my toner if I'm using one so there isn't product interfering with it's effectiveness. These things are magic, translucent, and easy to use. I usually stick them on at night and sleep in them. They suck out all the pimple goop and turn white once they are ready to peel off. You could use them during the day as well if you spend more time on your morning routine than I do or you aren't headed anywhere soon. They genuinely shorten the life of zits and also reduce PIH and PIE. Treatments are generally used as needed, which might be daily for some people if you have certain types of skin issues. 

7. Sheet masks

These are pretty widely known so I don't know that they require much explanation. I also use gel or mud masks sometimes instead of sheet masks. The effects of a sheet mask are short-lived. They are more for a specific occasion (might use a mask on your wedding day for example, or the day before) to achieve a specific effect. Like exfoliation, these are not an daily step but more like once or twice a week. Mud or clay mask are supposed to have more long term effects if used regularly, but honestly I consider this step a just-for-fun kind of thing to pamper myself. 

My Korean sheet masks

This is a Bentonite Clay powder. Mix with water or ACV to make a mask.

I have seen effects from the use of the above, but again, typically just for a couple of days post. The black mushroom masks gave me a great dewy look, the clay mask just makes my skin feel clear and my pores small, and the cucumber masks are cooling and calming for redness. There are tons of different types. I recommend starting with a variety pack to see which types and effects you like best. I order most of my supplies but sheet masks in particular are widely available. Even JC Penny carries some, and they are an inexpensive (like a couple of bucks) way to treat yourself. 

8. Eye cream

So... here's the thing about eye creams. Many of them are the same as moisturizers so several people I know skip this step. There are some products out there formulated differently that will have a better effect, depending on what you are trying to achieve. The basic idea behind an eye cream is that the skin around your eye is particularly delicate and therefore the moisturizer you use for it should be also.

Garnier Skin Active Clearly Brighter

Baebody Eye Gel

The top, you push and the gel comes out of that spout in the middle.

I've tried a few different eye products with... limited results. The problems is that my dark circles are genetic (veins are shallowly placed) and allergy induced. Creams and gels can only do so much. The anti-puff roller does feel soothing though. And I've only used the eye for about a week so we'll see. These would be used twice daily.

9. Moisturizer

Finally! Another easy, familiar step. This is a cream/lotion/gel formulated specifically for the face to moisturize and seal in the other products. This is a must have for everyone in some form. Used every day, and I use it twice a day. 

CeraVe Facial Moisturizing Lotion, AM and PM

CeraVe Moisturizing Cream

So obviously, as with a few of the other categories, I didn't go to Asian products for this one. CeraVe is widely and inexpensively available and AWESOME. The AM lotion has some SPF in it leaving a slight white cast - unnoticeable on my pale skin but a consideration if you are darker complected. The PM lotion has the look and feel of more like a gel and I am obsessed. I also use the more all-purpose CeraVe cream as my body lotion (which I save for after my facial routine so I don't get any residue on my face). 

10. Sun protection

An often overlooked step, this is probably the most important. It is so important for health (and less importantly beauty) that your skin in protected. I'm not quite so die-hard that you much glop it on for any trip out of doors or reapply throughout the day (unless you work outdoors). Vitamin D is good for you in reasonable doses. But some level of protection is definitely a good idea. 

The Face Shop Eco Natural Sun No Shine Hydrating Sun Cream

I love this product. It smells amazing and has very little white cast - again, it's nothing against my already pale skin but something to look into more if you are darker. I don't always apply this if I'm not headed out and frankly, I don't use it at all in winter, barring special circumstances. I work indoors and during the short days, I leave for work and come home while it's dark out. But in warmer weather, longer days, and outdoor activities I do put this on. Also, it's obviously only a morning application. 

First day of product use.

This week! The differences are subtle but I feel a lot better,
mentally and literally my skin feels better to the touch.

So that's it! That's my routine. I built it up over time, starting with a few basics and adding the more specialized products gradually. A good rule is to use a product for four to six weeks before adding another so you have a good idea of how each new thing is affecting your skin. If I can give you a starting point, I'd recommend the following 6 basics to everyone:

Cleanser, toner, moisturizer, sun protection (yes, even for dark complexions!), drinking lots of water, and brush your teeth! 

I know the last one sounds preachy but it's so so important. Studies are constantly showing how strongly oral health is tied to overall medical health. And a pretty smile helps with the whole glowy look ;)

Feel free to ask questions about any of my products. I'm also happy to share what I know if you want to develop your own routine but I am NOT an esthetician or dermatologist so take everything with a grain of salt. Mostly I'll just be pointing you toward more knowledgable people. Farewell for now my lovelies!