I thought I'd have good hair

 I thought by the time I was 30 I’d have more of life figured out. Not all of it by any stretch, but something, anything I didn’t think you could be a grownup and still not know what you wanted to be.

And I thought I’d have better hair.

I have curls. I’ve been working on a way to get the curls healthy, shiny, and frizz-free for more than 20 years. But no, nothing. It’s as bad as when they first showed up. Hundreds of hours of research and dozens of different products and techniques tested over the years. Honey, I even learned to cut and color. I know a lot about hair, just not what to do about mine.

And if that ain’t the whole damn thing right there.

I spent a lot of time in education on both sides. Got a graduate degree and then worked in education for - until now when I still am. And after so many years I’ve realized I hate it. I’ve realized I hate myself. So I decided to work on it. Spent two years in therapy with a therapist I loved. We tried and tried to find something else I’d like and be good at. I discovered that what I “like” is helping other people do their jobs better. I like being a mentor. So there it is: I can’t figure out how to help myself but in my quest to figure it out I’ve learned a lot about helping other people. It’s the lost guiding the lost and I can see your exit clearly but the light’s turned off by mine. 

I just want to be better. I just want to be able to clean my house and put my laundry away and engage with my daughter and do the fun things that I always plan to do and wash my freaking hair! I met with a psychologist recently to get evaluated for ADHD. Again, lots of research and reading and the armchair assessment of people with the diagnosis led me to believe that’s what’s going on with me. It explains so much about my life. Every time I hear someone else talk about how their ADHD has affected their life, every time, it was like a lightbulb moment. That’s me! That’s exactly what I’ve experienced my whole life! But then I finally got a chance to do something about it. The psych had completely forgotten why I made the appointment. She seemed shocked and baffled that I wanted to talk about ADHD and her version of assessing me was to run down the list of DSM V symptoms (terrible diagnostic tool btw). She told me that I had “just barely enough” of the symptoms to say I have ADHD. 

Honestly, I knew I shouldn’t but I had pinned a lot of hopes on that appointment. I thought I’d get validation and maybe even help (medication) and I could get back on track to doing something, to finding my path. Instead, she made me feel like I was faking it, like I was just making excuses. Turns out I’m just lazy and stupid and that’s why I can’t get anything done, oops! I’ve been working so hard to keep track of all our daily tasks and trying to still do things to feed my soul and it turns out the only reason I’m failing is because I’m just a failure! And there’s nothing to be done about that. After all, I’ve spent decades trying to figure out my hair with no progress. 

I just really thought I’d have good hair by now.