Here We Are Again

With me apologizing for abandoning you and also suffering from seasonal anxiety/depression! Remember when I talked about this before? I swear I did last year but I can't find it either! The point is, changing light in Fall and Spring can exacerbate/trigger mental health issues. And I'm susceptible! I've been struggling to keep my head above water and just could not handle blogging in addition. The silly/annoying part is that things in my life have actually been going really well.

Didn't stop me from waking up to a panic attack this morning.

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Thank Fall, you dick.

I spent 2 years of my life with a man who constantly told me that nothing about me was good enough and that I was a loser who would never get anywhere, followed by 2 years in grad school under constant pressure to meet deadlines and improve. I think it's safe to say those experiences scarred me.

Right?!

Now I'm at a point in my life where I'm pretty much exactly where I want to be. I've got a good job, in another couple of months I'll have my CCCs, a few months after that I'll have a wedding (for which we officially have a wedding party, venue, photographer, and dress!), my husband is amazing and we're easily financial stable enough that the near future holds the possibility for home ownership and children. I want for nothing.

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And yet...

I still spend most of my time anxious that I should be doing something else, or that what I am doing, I should be doing better. I read an article today about "impostor syndrome," or the difficulty many people (particularly 20 somethings) have with feeling as though they are perpetuating a fraud by achieving success. I'd guess that's part of my problem. Am I really here? Am I really done? I mean, I know there are still more things I want out of life, but at this point there are no barriers to me achieving them beyond the passage of time.

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It's really crippling to constantly be asking this question and not know the answer.

So I'm making an effort to be at peace with the part of my life I'm currently experiencing. I know, isn't it ridiculous I should need to make peace with having a successful career, loving husband, and the world's cutest pets?

Nevertheless, here I am. Daily yoga to relax and focus on myself, plus the exercise in general will do me good, in addition to meditation, lots of hot tea, and cuddles with my family. Take with a variety of television comedies/Marvel films for best results!

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Seriously, who can be sad when looking at that guy?