What's The Problem?

We burned a letter to my ex in therapy this week. It was sort of a cathartic experience, but I've had similar before so I was interested to see if that feeling of a weight lifted stuck around. I was eager to discuss the experience with friends.

It's something I've known since the beginning. A big part of why I benefit from therapy is that I feel safe to talk honestly about myself knowing I won't be judged, disliked by my therapist, or have the information used against me. This is a totally novel experience and the visceral feeling of relaxation I get walking into that room is alone worth the experience. My whole body unclenches and that is the only time I've experienced that happening including during sleep or massage.

Because the truth is that people don't like me and use my weaknesses against me. So I don't trust them. No one I know (or don't) has asked me about my experience in therapy so far and I don't feel comfortable bringing it up myself. I want to debrief about what I've been learning and working through so far and I don't have a resource for that. It's just screaming into the void.

I check social meeting and see people I know making posts about nonsense like how wrong you are if you like those grocery store cookies and that gets more reaction that my pleas for help. I see people I know posting pleas for help themselves and those posts get more discussion than mine to an exponential degree, from mutual "friends." Supposedly you shouldn't compare, but I don't know how to avoid feeling bitter and resentful when I see the exact same setup play out completely differently just based on who's asking for support. My support system is crushingly small and family is great for tangibles like childcare and bringing over meals, but less gifted for things like a shoulder to cry on or talking through heavy emotions. Mostly I get Bible verses, prayer guides, and/or ignored.

I just don't feel I belong anywhere. My whole, minuscule friend group has started pulling away as they all now share a hobby that I don't. I have no hobbies anymore. We joined a church that I genuinely love for its liberal, accepting message. But it's been over a year and I haven't connected with anyone there. My worldview is so disparate with my family's that I'm not able to discuss anything of much substance there without disagreement. I just want to feel connected and I'm not sure what to do about it. My life is just the necessary chores to make it to the end of the day before starting over again the next. Cook, eat, work, pee, clean, cook, eat, bed. There is nothing I look forward to, no one I go see, no fun in my life. I enjoy spending time with my daughter (generally, toddlers have their bad moments, as everyone knows) and.... that's pretty much it. I was terrified of my identity being consumed by motherhood, and my worst fears have come to pass. What's so sad and infuriating about it is that it's not because I walked away from my life but because it walked away from me.

Seriously, what's the problem? What is it about me that is so repugnant? I realize people don't want to hear complaints all the time, but look through my post history and you'll realize that's not me until lately. I make a conscious effort online and in person not to be negative very much both for my personal health and because I know people find it off-putting. Also, as I mentioned, I know people who do complain all the time and our mutual relationships continually rush to their aid while steadfastly ignoring me.

Why doesn't anybody like me?