Friday, March 23, 2018

March Check-in

Hello again!

I really am trying to get better about this. I think I'm already topping 2017 so progress!

March goals include:

1. Basic body care: drinking at least 48 oz of water a day, washing my face 2x/day, and eating at least twice a day. You'd be shocked how often that last one falls off.

2. Garden: Plant seeds/seedling, check daily, and weed at least 2x/week.

3. Mental Health: keep attending therapy and note each session in my bujo.

Yeah, I use words like bujo now. That's the kind of asshole I am. Honestly, all three of those general areas will probably stay on for the rest of the year, but the execution should change as I make progress. Let's do the check-in part of the check-in and see what progress I've already made! From February, I was working on:

1. Research skin care options and start investing in them (including drinking water). I'm still working on the water part, but I have a decent routine established now. I'm doing a 10-step Korean system, or at least working my way up to one. I've got both cleansers, a moisturizer, eye cream, toner, and some masks. I just ordered my first ampoule and my sunscreen. And a mom-bud is sending me some exfoliator samples. I haven't noticed any difference yet, but that's not so odd.

2. Explicitly target my mental health by finding a therapist. Found, and I've been 3 times!

3. Improved sleep hygiene: develop and implement a nighttime routine one step at a time. One of the biggest things I wanted to do was to stop sleeping with my phone. I ordered and now use and actual alarm clock that has sunset/sunrise simulations designed to help with more natural sleeping and waking. It's hit or miss whether I bring my phone to bed or charge it elsewhere. I'm also still pretty inconsistent about a decent bedtime, but I have been getting to work an hour earlier so the net effect is what I was hoping to achieve! At least until I die from sleep deprivation.

4. Make my peace with turning 30 (therapy should help). In my 3 whole sessions, we haven't had time to talk about this much yet. I'm still pretty hurt, especially considering that all the same friend group who blew me off are out tonight celebrating someone else's birthday without me because I had no idea there was anything planned until a day before and got stuck with baby duty.

Since we're already approaching the end of March, I'll go ahead and break that down a bit as well. I'm very inconsistent about the water and eating thing, but I've done pretty damn well with the skin care. You might point out that of those 3 things, skin care is probably the least important. You are not wrong, but I don't really care about or like myself and I'm not suuuuper invested in my own survival and skin care is the only one that is somewhat entertaining. I swear I'mma do a post soon about the details of my (current) routine. I have tilled our not-so-little garden patch - bonus! it was a good workout - and planted a few things in pots indoors. Next weekend is a long weekend and should put us past the worst of these steep temperature drops, so I'll be transitioning some pots outside and planting the remaining seeds.

Therapy... well that's a whole special beast. I have done well about documenting sessions but there's only been 3 so still plenty of time to screw that up. Shockingly, it turns out that I have anxiety, depression, PPD, anger issues, and PTSD! There is a lot of overlap in all of those things so probably the most salient is PTSD. Theoretically, once we address my trauma at least some of the others should diminish. I personally suspect that my PPD is a result of my PTSD as childbirth can be traumatic for assault victims. It was. Also shockingly, one of the reasons my PTSD has been so long lasting and severe is that I have difficulty connecting to people! Who would have thought I'd have trouble trusting and confiding in others with my interpersonal history? (Is the sarcasm clear in these statements? Should I italicize?) I've got a ton more to say, but we'll save that for another post. Fingers crossed we make it to two this month! I'mma try to be proactive and type it now. Come yell at me to get to work if you want.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

February Check-in

How is everyone?

I'm terrible!

I accomplished nothing in January so I reset the goals for February. Let's review, shall we?

January February goals:
1. Research skin care options and start investing in them (including drinking water).
2. Explicitly target my mental health by finding a therapist.
3. Improved sleep hygiene: develop and implement a nighttime routine one step at a time.
4. Make my peace with turning 30 (therapy should help).

My birthday was terrible. It was essentially ignored by all the people I know except my parental figures, so there goes goal #4 decimated. I did at least get some of my skin care products and I ordered the rest for myself so I now have a pretty decent routine down, going on 4 weeks. I haven't especially noticed any improvement in my skin but it is sort of soothing anyway.

I tried contacting about 4 different therapists, one refused to see me unless I came in at 11, which means missing work. One thought they could schedule me and upon returning the call they were suddenly not taking new patients. I haven't heard back from the last two. So I'm trying but I haven't really gotten anywhere yet.

I am doing better...ish? about my nighttime routine. I'm not quite hitting my 11 o'clock deadline every night but I'm not far off. I definitely need to work on avoiding electronics after 10. But I've been doing great at getting up earlier. It hasn't reduced my anxiety about getting work done, but I'm awake anyway.

To sum up:
1. Research skin care options and start investing in them (including drinking water). DONE
2. Explicitly target my mental health by finding a therapist. IN PROCESS
3. Improved sleep hygiene: develop and implement a nighttime routine one step at a time. IN PROCESS
4. Make my peace with turning 30 (therapy should help). NOPE

Please tell me you are doing better than I am.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

30 before 30 - Check in #3

  1. Get marriedGot married AND had a wedding a year and a half apart and still managed to get it in before 30!
  2. Have a kid. CHECK.
    Fell asleep sitting up lol

  3. Sell my crafts. I have sold cakes and even a couple of knitted items. I'm also thinking I'll start an Etsy shop this year for some of my crafts. That'll technically be after I turn 30, but I've already officially met this goal anyway. 
  4. Learn to sew. Yeah... naw. That's not going to happen beyond basic repairs. We have friends that make clothes so I may eventually learn some more significant skills but I DID teach myself to crochet last year so done-ish?
  5. Learn more about my car. From last time: I actually feel pretty good about this and am calling it DONE... for my current vehicle. I've gotten several diagnoses correct in the past and know how to check all the fluid levels (and replenish them), etc. Plus, Husband is a good back-up in this area. 
  6. Own a newer car. Holy crap, I never got to tell this story! We actually had to buy a new car 2 days after the wedding so I now drive a 2016. I'll tell the full debacle later this week. It's pretty spectacular. 
  7. Stop renting. Not going to happen. Again, we're not exactly renting now but we're also not owners. (Should have phrased this one differently.) However, Husband recently had an exciting job change so we are looking at purchasing in the next couple of years. Bonus, since we did take a bit longer, several negatives on our respective credit reports are going to roll off and we should be able to get a much better mortgage rate. So I'm okay with this situation. 
  8. Get a pet (or pets). My two oldest children love their new sister!
  9. BlogI'm working on consistency, but this is technically done. 
  10. Keep a journal regularly. Just got my bullet journal for this year! This one is actually an ongoing habit so it'll never really be done but I'm saying I've met my goal. 
  11. Write every day. I probably should have phrased this one differently, too, since I mean write something for myself. I do write every day, though!
  12. Finish a book. Also not going to happen. I'll roll it to the next list, but with kids in the picture now... Unless I can quit my day job I'm not sure it'll ever happen honestly. I won't stop trying!
  13. Read the Bible. Forgot again! It's not going to happen before 30 but I decided I kind of don't care? So it's not met but it no longer matters. I'm scratching it off. 
  14. Create art. I painted a beautiful yarn bowl. Like, for real, it was gorgeous. Until my cat broke it. Nevertheless CHECK!
    It was seriously beautiful and I used
    it when I made the baby blanket :D
  15. Start a bonsai. I really should have been checking in more because I straight forgot a bunch of these... I do want to plant more so this will probably roll over to my 40s list and turn into "start a garden."
  16. Get close to someone. I've put a lot of effort into being a better friend. I'm sure there is a lot more I could improve on, but I feel like I've made enough progress to call this one DONE. 
  17. Let go. I'm doing a lot better in 2018 and I finally asked for a therapy referral AND I finally have insurance that covers it! I'm excited to start and I'm calling this one as DONE as it can be at this point. 
  18. Take a course in ASL. Not a formal course, but I actually have picked up a lot via work, Switched at Birth (seriously, it's a decent crash course in some basics if you pay attention) and using baby sign with the kid. 
  19. Travel. This is another one that's actually probably a lifelong, ongoing goal. But we have been all over the country together so I'm calling it done. 40s list will probably specify leaving the country.
  20. Attend Comic Con/BlizzCon/cons in general. We've attended MTACGMX, Blizzcon, and SDCC! We're also going to DragonCon this year!
  21. Start taking violin/voice lessons. I definitely should have cut some of these learning based ones... I've only got so much time, I can't be taking so many lessons! Not going to happen, and I'm checking it off because it's just not important to me anymore. 
  22. Diet and exercise. We've gotten a lot better at our house in general about cutting out a lot of processed foods (helps to be poor!) as well as going low carb. I do need to get more physically active. Hauling a baby around counts, right?
  23. Become a cook. From last time: DONE! I'm always going to be learning new recipes, but I know my way around the kitchen and am comfortable just throwing things together and making it a meal.
    Mushroom, spinach, and sausage lasagna.
    I made up this recipe so I'm pretty amazing.
  24. Work as an SLP. For a while now. I think I could even supervise!
  25. Pay more on student loans. I've been steadily reducing that total! I think I'll have them paid off by 40 (I freaking hope!) since my job allows some loan forgiveness after a few years. 
  26. Build some savings. Noooop! After both of us being unemployed several months, moving twice, and having a kid we kind of decimated what we had saved. We're back on track to set some aside though. 
  27. TattoosI don't have any new ones but I do still have six so I'm calling this done. I might give myself one for my birthday though... 
  28. Gaming. Listen, bro. I played D&D. My game cred is real. CHECK. 
  29. Learn how to style myself. DONE! 
  30. Cut my hairI've done both an undercut and a pixie and right now I have a pixie with and undercut and it's green! Check this one off!


Longer pixie with undercut and green now

I'm only missing 4 goals! Okay, so I fudged a few and crossed a couple off that I decided I didn't care about, but still. I'm pretty happy with that progress. 

Wednesday, January 3, 2018


One post per year, that's a good track record, right?

2017 was crap on a cracker, shit on a stick, a bitch on a bender. I'm so glad it's over because it did not go well.

2017 has been a year of failure. I failed consistently and often. My labor was a terrible experience. I failed at breastfeeding. It was demoralizing and painful. I failed at caring for myself and my family. I've struggled with PPD and no way to treat it. I've let my physical health slide for months until finally finishing the year so sick I still can't eat normally. For the second year in a row, we couldn't afford Christmas. I failed at work. I've been told many times that I'm not qualified to make what I believe I deserve by people who don't know me and a few who do. I've failed to speak out about issues that are important to me. I've failed to advocate for myself, my husband, and my daughter.

2016 was a hellacious year but at least I was doing something. 2017 has knocked the fight out of me. I hate that this is how I will remember the first year of my daughter's life. I hope in a year, I can look back and see that I've make progress, that I've gotten better. But history doesn't seem to favor that outcome.


I've decided that I'm going to be more proactive about it nonetheless. I hereby declare 2018 the year of self-care! And I'll start by:


My time wasted on people and organizations that don't care about me.

My time wasted arguing with self-centered jerks who aren't listening anyway.

My time wasted being angry about things that are over and done.

My time wasted on people who don't treat me with respect.

My time wasted tearing myself and my body down instead of caring for them.

I'd like to have a general resolution to focus on improving myself this year, specifically in terms of how I treat myself. I've spent many years working on being a better friend and more compassionate person in general and while I'm sure I can still improve a lot, I feel I've made good progress in that regard. But I've badly neglected myself. To that end, I will create specific monthly goals starting with this month, my birthday month!

January goals:
1. Research skin care options and start investing in them (including drinking water).
2. Explicitly target my mental health by finding a therapist.
3. Improved sleep hygiene: develop and implement a nighttime routine one step at a time.
4. Make my peace with turning 30 (therapy should help).

Each of those goals will be further broken down into concrete achievable steps that I will track in my bullet journal and post updates about here. At the end of the month, I'll keep what works and dump what doesn't. To that end I'll be rearranging some sections at the top that I no longer use (cough style me cough) and collecting this self-improvement quest there.


I miss writing so I'm really going to try to stay on top of my regular posting schedule again. Other things to look for soon: an update on 30 before 30 since I'm running out of time AND a birth story for my little girl.

2018 will be my year because I'll grab it by the throat and wrestle to the ground if it gives me any goddamn lip. I accept nothing less.