2017 was crap on a cracker, shit on a stick, a bitch on a bender. I'm so glad it's over because it did not go well.
2017 has been a year of failure. I failed consistently and often. My labor was a terrible experience. I failed at breastfeeding. It was demoralizing and painful. I failed at caring for myself and my family. I've struggled with PPD and no way to treat it. I've let my physical health slide for months until finally finishing the year so sick I still can't eat normally. For the second year in a row, we couldn't afford Christmas. I failed at work. I've been told many times that I'm not qualified to make what I believe I deserve by people who don't know me and a few who do. I've failed to speak out about issues that are important to me. I've failed to advocate for myself, my husband, and my daughter.
2016 was a hellacious year but at least I was doing something. 2017 has knocked the fight out of me. I hate that this is how I will remember the first year of my daughter's life. I hope in a year, I can look back and see that I've make progress, that I've gotten better. But history doesn't seem to favor that outcome.
I've decided that I'm going to be more proactive about it nonetheless. I hereby declare 2018 the year of self-care! And I'll start by:
My time wasted on people and organizations that don't care about me.
My time wasted arguing with self-centered jerks who aren't listening anyway.
My time wasted being angry about things that are over and done.
My time wasted on people who don't treat me with respect.
My time wasted tearing myself and my body down instead of caring for them.
I'd like to have a general resolution to focus on improving myself this year, specifically in terms of how I treat myself. I've spent many years working on being a better friend and more compassionate person in general and while I'm sure I can still improve a lot, I feel I've made good progress in that regard. But I've badly neglected myself. To that end, I will create specific monthly goals starting with this month, my birthday month!
1. Research skin care options and start investing in them (including drinking water).
2. Explicitly target my mental health by finding a therapist.
3. Improved sleep hygiene: develop and implement a nighttime routine one step at a time.
4. Make my peace with turning 30 (therapy should help).
Each of those goals will be further broken down into concrete achievable steps that I will track in my bullet journal and post updates about here. At the end of the month, I'll keep what works and dump what doesn't. To that end I'll be rearranging some sections at the top that I no longer use (cough style me cough) and collecting this self-improvement quest there.
I miss writing so I'm really going to try to stay on top of my regular posting schedule again. Other things to look for soon: an update on 30 before 30 since I'm running out of time AND a birth story for my little girl.
2018 will be my year because I'll grab it by the throat and wrestle to the ground if it gives me any goddamn lip. I accept nothing less.